✅ My Cousin's Keeper [NaNoWriMo 2021]

40. My Wakeup Call

I heard the sound of chirping birds, and opened my eyes. It took a few minutes for my memories of the night before to return, like it always did on the kind of days that earned the label 'morning after'. But unlike most of those occasions, I didn't feel exhausted or nauseous at all. There was no sign that I'd been drinking, but I couldn't remember how I'd gotten to bed last night, or anything that had happened before.

Then the flashes came back to me. Memories so weird that I might have dismissed them as dreams, even if they were more vivid than any dream I had ever recalled. But then I remembered one, and wondered how I had gotten into that situation, and what could have come after. Before too long, everything fitted together, a wave of recollection that hit me like a freight train.

She'd tricked me. I'd spent weeks setting up a scheme to get Tess regressed and diapered, maybe even hypnotised so she couldn't resist it in the future. It had seemed to be going so well for most of the afternoon. Then she'd tricked me somehow, and turned the tables. Ffrances had diapered me, I could remember that much. Not in some intimate setting, but on the ground in the middle of the garden, and I'd been too giddy and confused to even enjoy the feelings of helplessness.

She'd taken photos, I was sure. I'd barely understood what was going on at the time, but I could put all the pieces together now. I'd known that I should be embarrassed about wearing diapers, I'd wanted to be a big girl. But that hadn't stopped me wetting myself, two or three times as the afternoon went on. It was all a blur, but I was sure that part had been real.

I thought Tess had brought some of her stuffies outside, and told me their names, but I couldn't remember for sure. I'd barely been able to understand, but I knew how excited I'd been at all the rainbow coloured things. And we'd had a meal, I thought. We'd sat on a blanket in the garden, with the sun making one last effort to pretend that autumnal weather hadn't taken over the land.

When I tried to remember more details, I cringed inwardly. Tess had fed me a bottle of something warm and sweet. Milk, I guessed, if the rest of the day was anything to go by. I'd been her baby sister, and I was sure that Ffrances had taken photos of all of it. And then we'd gone inside, and watched cartoons. Probably until I fell asleep, because that was the last thing I could recall. I'd been trying to take away any chance Tess had of claiming to be an adult, but in the end it had been me who surrendered my dignity. I couldn't bear it.

Normally I could enjoy helplessness and humiliation in front of Ffrances, but this was different. I should never be in that state where Tess could see. If she didn't respect me, it would be so much harder to guide her into that same vulnerable state. And it was even worse, because after our recent conversation she would be thinking that I actually wanted this. I couldn't believe I'd messed up so badly; and straight away I started thinking about what I could do to fix this. I could do something, I was sure, and my worries quickly faded as I focused completely on the next steps. She'd played along for the whole evening, I was sure. That meant I hadn't seemed distressed. Seeing me in that state must have made it easier for Tess to accept regression as a thing that people could do; it would no longer be so strange to her. And I'd seen Ffrances give her the suggestion to accept being babied when she did something childish, so the next time she woke up wet it would be easy to push her a little further than usual. It was a blessing in disguise. Tess had seen how far regression could go in the extreme case, and she hadn't been freaked out by it. So now I could treat her more like a baby each time, and she was less likely to notice the change.

The only tough part was convincing her to see me as her mommy again. She would need me to be a responsible adult so that she didn't have to be. I would tell her that it had gone further than I expected, and I hadn't enjoyed it. I'd only been playing along so that Ffrances didn't feel bad about what had happened. Or I could tell the truth: that I'd been an irresponsible nightmare as a teen, and now I'd confronted that I knew that the little role wasn't for me. It would be hard, but I could still spin this into a win. A reason to be more curious about regression in general, perhaps. Or to think that because she'd been the opposite, she might be the type of person it worked well for. I still hated that I had let myself get out of control, but I could smile now I knew that this mishap wouldn't stop Tess from finding her place as my little. I gave a triumphant smile as I put the finishing touches on the plan in my mind.

"Is my baby awake?" Ffrances's voice startled me, and I gasped briefly before rolling over to face her. It was only then I noticed I'd been cuddling something that wasn't my girlfriend; some kind of long fuzzy green thing. I held it a little farther away so I could see clearly, and recognised one of the soft toys I had bought for my new little a couple of months before. They were called Dookbros, or something like that, and I thought there was a cartoon series about them, but that was all I knew. I had no idea why there was one in my arms, or even in my room.

"I'm not a baby," I said, when I finally dismissed the thing from my mind and met Ffrances's gaze.

"Really. Well, I think my baby needs a diaper check, that'll tell us how big you are."

I froze in panic, and lifted the duvet so I could see what I was wearing. I had a white crop top on, fairly usual for bedtime. It was more comfortable than conventional nightwear, at least for me. But it was the sight of my underwear that made me groan. I was wearing a diaper, just like she had said. And when Ffrances pressed a hand against the padding, I could immediately tell that it was wet. I was mortified, and I wanted to hide forever. How could something so humiliating possibly have happened? I mean, it wasn't exactly new to find that I'd played out some script my girlfriend gave me without having any control. And many of the things we'd done involved intense humiliation, pain, or other things that most people would think were intrinsically bad. But this was different; I didn't want to be treated like a baby. That was Tess's thing, and seeing myself in the same position made me really uncomfortable.

"I can't..." I mumbled. "No."

"No?" she raised an eyebrow, and paused for a long time. I looked back at her, not sure what else I could say. And just when I was worrying that I'd lost all her respect, she continued: "Okay, so that wasn't what you hoped for? I can see in your eyes that we've crossed a real line there. So, can you tell me what it is, or..."