✅ My Cousin's Keeper [NaNoWriMo 2021]

125. My Protégée

Ffrances liked the pancakes. They weren't anything like the pancakes I was used to; it was like Tess had taken pancakes with some kind of slightly spicy sauce on, rolled them up, and then cut the roll into thin slices. So we ended up with bite-sized pieces with a spiral pattern on them, which were perfect for dipping in sauce. They were lovely, although they made quite a mess when my baby fiancée dunked them in the little pot of dip and then tried to unroll the spiral. She got the sauce on her face, on her hands, on her clothes, and all over the blanket that I'd rolled out on the floor so we could pretend we were having a picnic.

Maybe I was starting to actually think of her as a small child. I'd realised that she was likely to make a mess while eating, and I had found a way to minimise the cleaning afterwards without interrupting her fun.

Eating with Ffrances as a baby turned into a whole game in itself, and I felt like she was really opening up and trusting me in a way that she never had before. That was another reminder that I had been wrong; I'd focused too much on the person I wanted her to be, and neglected all the fun I could have had by doing what she wanted. I told myself to remember how much fun I was having now, so that I would always be open to different things. After the wedding, I promised myself, I was going to try every little thing she wanted to do with me. I would always listen, because she was already proving to me that there were so many things that I would enjoy if I just allowed myself to consider it.

Maybe this was a kind of awakening for me as well; she was acting like a real baby now, so I could learn to be a real Mummy. Once I had some experience under my belt, I wouldn't need to worry so much with Tess, either. I could stop second guessing my judgement, and make her a baby confident in the knowledge that it would be a positive memory for her even if she tried to resist it at the time.

I asked Ffrances what she wanted for dinner, and she gave me a mixture of nodding, giggling, and baby babble. Of course she didn't want to give me a straight answer; a good part of the babying for her was that she didn't have to make hard decisions. And that was the same whether they were hard because there were serious consequences for other people, or just hard because she was picking something that she didn't really care about. She could just let me make the decisions, and she knew that I would look after her. Just like a real Mummy; I realised that I might have actually started to understand the role that I'd been craving for so long.

"Okay, sweetie," I said with a laugh. "You're so little, you don't need to worry about decisions because it seems natural to let Mummy take care of everything. Would you like some more of those soon?" I pointed at the pancakes as I moved the empty plate to one side, and she laughed and clapped. The only comprehensible words were confirming that she did want to be that little. I guessed that was an agreement for the dinner plans too, but I didn't want to leave her alone now. So I cleaned up her face with baby wipes while she squirmed and tried to get away, and then helped her to crawl off the dip-stained blanket so that I could ball it up in the corner of the room. Then I offered her some more toys, and sat back to watch as they suddenly held her whole attention.

Once I was sure that Ffrances wouldn't notice a brief moment's distraction, I picked up my phone and texted Tess, letting her know that we would be coming down for dinner if that was convenient, and that Ffrances was really excited about having some finger food, so I thought she might like more.

Now I could just sit back and observe; Ffrances knew how to act like a baby, and she was happy to keep on playing even with minimal interaction from me. I didn't want to ignore her, though, so occasionally I would lean in to ask her which doll was her favourite, or what their names were. Or I tried to guess what she was cooking on the little toy stove that I'd brought in, and I would tell her how impressed I was at her efforts to mispronounce the names of fancy dishes. I'd never seen such glee as when she held out a doll in a clumsy fist to answer my questions; even the simplest thing seemed to put her on top of the world, like she could feel real pride in getting the answers right.