Fade Away

1.1

2:15 pm, September 12
   You know that feeling when you stayed up all night and feel sorta nauseous as well as if you're not really here? That's exactly how I feel all the time. I don't know if it because of my withdrawals from my addiction or if it was my withdrawals from her. I realize that I shouldn't compare her to a drug but she made me feel a natural high I constantly ignored or it was overpowered by the substance in my body.

   "Aziz would you like to share today?" The lady sitting in the circle of people asked. I just shook my head, she gave me a forced smile and I went back to playing with my hands. I know I don't make things easier by ignoring everyone and not cooperating but I was so angry she never shows up. Visitation was allowed a week ago and mom and dad showed up, also Zach, Dais and even Kian but not her. Maybe her last disappointment was her actual last disappointment . I ask Kian about her every time he shows up and he just blanks for a bit trying to think of a lie.

Yesterday the lie was that she had homework but if he knew her as much as I do he'd know that she does homework on Friday's because she hates the feeling of homework on Sunday. I wonder what the lie will be today. I know I should cooperate and I should not want to get high as soon as I get out but that's all I want to do. All I want to do is be intoxicated on her.

8:13 am, Sunday. June.
I stirred awake and noticed that there was an empty side of my bed. That made me feel sorta shitty because I don't remember if her and I are on good terms today. "Hello my gorgeous baby Az" she announced loudly walking into the room with a plate of blueberry pancakes and water. I smiled instantly and she put the food down before going over to me and kissing my head. "You didn't have to wash my sheets" I said mentioning the new sheets on my bed and the old ones folded nicely on a chair. "I kind of did you vomited on them last night" she said with a small laugh and I sighed. I knew it's not what she wanted. I knew deep down she just wanted nothing more then for me to change. She wanted to be my reason for change. "Thank you" I said while we were eating pancakes and she smiled. "Why?" She asked, "for loving me even on the days where I'm not really around" I answered and she smiled. "Those days I just have to love you a little harder" she said and I smiled and kissed her nose. That moment was special to me because I wasn't high. I was just me and she was happy. I just wish I could remember what I did to make her leave.