Fade Away

3.3

People often ask how I felt going through withdrawals after I went into rehab and honestly those withdrawals did not compare in the slightest to the withdrawals I feel from being unloved by her.

She was going to be someone great in the world, she was going to show the world her beautiful stories and beautiful ways of looking at love. And eventually even if she denied it, she'd leave me behind, maybe thats what I feared all along... That I would love her and she would leave me while I got wasted like all my potential.

Even if I cannot control time I do wish we would've met later in life, I was studying something or had a career and she was an author . We would meet in a coffee shop where she would write me as whatever she wanted and I would be able to love her.

Unfortunately for me, we met when we were 16. We met when I was at my lowest and she was a hopeless romantic who wanted to be loved. She was an amorist but she wrote more about love then she was actually in love.

I can tell you all about the moments in between the time she fell in love with me and the moment it ended but it'd be bullshiting it because I was too high to remember. We fell in love a cold December day, we were looking at Christmas lights and we slow danced in the snow. She fell in love with me when I spun her around like an idiot and like an idiot I made her fall out of love when I hurt her. I hurt her plenty of times so I can't exactly tell you the moment she fell out of it because I believe she lost love every time I hurt her but as the amorist that she was she wanted nothing more then to write us as in love.

Some day in August. 10pm
"I'm sorry" I whispered to the girl laying next to me in silence. The only thing I could hear was my heart beating because I felt like a piece of shit. "Just stop" she mumbled barely audible. "I'm sorry" I repeated and she stayed silent. "My dad was the perfect man, he was hard working and a great man but underneath all that greatness my brother and I made up in our heads he was horrible. He was a liar and a cheater and he promised my mom the stars over and over again only to give her a stupid broken promise. You're kind of reminding me of him today Aziz and it's funny because I promised myself I'd never fall for someone like him" she whispered before turning to face the wall. "I love you" I whispered to her and she only sniffled and pulled the sheet over her body.
Thinking back to that moment it made me nauseous because I wish I would've stopped all my shitty mistakes the first time. But every time I hurt her which was usually at a party I promised I wouldn't attend she would show up. She would show up with some coffee and she would drive me home in silence. She would help me shower and she would change me into clean clothes. Give me water and put me to bed. She did so many things and the least I could've done was be an amorist back.