Fade Away

7.7

I don't think anyone talks about how it feels when you're finally clean. Like yes people talk about the struggle but people don't really discuss how it makes you feel so alone. It makes you feel alone because your addiction was apart of you for so long that without it you feel empty. My body ached with emptiness. Emptiness because I was clean and emptiness because I let her slip away. Empty was all I could describe myself as in this cold empty room.

Alone.

It made me so angry that I was clean, both from her and from my horrible habit. My horrible habit that pushed her away a million times and my horrible habit that made me feel so alone. My trace of thought was interrupted when a loud knock echoed through my empty room. "Az there's someone here to see you" a voice echoed and I only pulled my blanket over my head. Someone walked in and shut the door behind them, pulled a chair next to me and sighed. "I'm not here to yell or to argue with you but I just don't think it's fair" the voice I ached to hear said and I was afraid to remove the blanket from above my head, fearing she'd be gone when I did.

"It's not fair that you get to tell me goodbye with your stupid letter, it's not fair that I want to move on and you keep pulling me back into your selfish game" she said and her voice was making my head pound. "You deserved a goodbye, you deserve a million apologies Zen I just don't even know where to start" I said pulling my blanket off and my fear came true.

She was gone.

My hallucinations were caused by the withdrawals and all this emptiness and it was eating me alive. It's like these hallucinations knew exactly how to shoot me down. It's like every single memory of her was a hallucination because every stupid promise I made was empty words with empty meanings. Every empty space in my head and in my room was eating me alive. And that's the thing with getting clean. No one understands how much it absolutely eats you alive.