Fade Away

15.15

Trigger warning. Some more talk about s/a.

The downfall

I woke up to my apartment being extremely cold. I didn't feel like getting out of bed. I didn't feel like facing all those thoughts in my head. I reached for my backpack to grab my book when a familiar container fell out of my bag. I held it in my hand for a little until i shoved it back in my bag and laid back down. The words remember me kept playing in my head. The missing never stops. I drifted back to sleep and bolted awake an hour later after a nightmare. I could feel her cold hands on my skin. I could feel how dizzy I felt and how much the tile was hurting me. I sprinted to the bathroom and vomited. The nightmare never stops.

7:15 pm
The familiar container and I have been playing hide and seek all day. I sighed as it rested on my lap. Unopened. I picked up my phone and dialed that familiar number. "Hello?" She answered confused and i sobbed silently. "I just need everything to stop. I need the thoughts to stop" I said rubbing my face gently. "Az where are you?" She asked. "My apartment" I mumbled. Her 10 minute drive felt dreadful. As soon as she arrived she took the container and flushed it. She sat next to me and pulled me onto her lap. She gently rubbed my forehead and pushed my hair out of my face. "You need to talk to someone about what happened baby" she mumbled and I only nodded. "Why can't I talk to you?" I asked and she sighed gently. "Cause im just in your head Az, it's all in your head" she said before I drifted to sleep. I woke up a few hours later. Her imaginary scent lingered in my apartment and the coldness was making my skin ache. I sat up and noticed the now empty container on the table. "Fuck" I mumbled before running my hands through my hair.
I don't know why I have to cope with this again. I don't know why I need to if i coped with this when my addiction began. The addiction she created when she drugged me. I wonder if I would've been better if she never drugged me. Or would I still be in the same position? Maybe after all. I am truly my own downfall.