Fade Away

14.14

Trigger warning! This chapter talks about s/a. Please read with caution.

I always wanted to live in a place like this. With her but she deserved more then a crappy apartment that I could barely afford. Its been 2 months since I made it here. Its very quiet and I miss my family a lot but the silence has helped. It helped me move past Zach's death and past the fact that Zen got married recently. "Aziz can I get you on table 3" my manager asked and I nodded before grabbing a few menus. I'm just a waiter but I am figuring shit out. So far I know that I like reading and writing. Maybe I can open a bookstore one day.

I opened my apartment door and laid down on my couch exhausted. My very active rescue dog rushed towards me and I smiled. "Whats up Z, wanna go on a walk?" I asked before grabbing his leash.

We weren't too deep into the forest when I started to think about how Zach would be turning 20 today. I think it is so unfair that I turned 20 and he never did. I swallowed the lump in my throat and headed home. The silence in my semi empty apartment was taunting me. It did not help that the date was displayed in big letters on my TV. I grabbed my jacket and my book before heading to the lake nearby. The sound of the water helped me silence out my thoughts. That was especially helpful when all I wanted and was thinking about was about intoxicating myself. I watched as the water flowed slowly. Being alone sucked. Facing my withdrawals and my clearness of mind sucked. Now that I can remember things better I can remember what happened. I never did tell anyone what happened except for Zach. He found me naked and high out of my mind on a random floor in an empty room. He helped get me home and he helped me throw away the clothes that made my skin physically ache. I guess maybe if everyone knew that when my problem with drugs started it wasn't even my fault it would be different. I never chose to become addicted. I never chose to be attached to my drug because being attached to my drug was easier then being attached to my assaulter who never did apologize. I became so attached to Zen because she helped me cope with what happened even if she didn't know what happened. She helped me not hate loud music and not hate the way cold air feels on my skin. I just wish everyone knew that I didn't choose this.