Fade Away

10.10

You know that feeling after a bad night? That's how I've been feeling and the only thing helping is laying on the cold floor.

I liked how this place was so clean. My cleanliness on the outside has always brought me comfort for the lack of it on the inside. My whites were always solid white and my colors were never faded. At least the ones on my clothes.

I liked that zen was so clean. She was a clean put together person before I made her a mess. Before I made her a mess and before I became the mess. I brought this upon myself. I brought this upon myself and I had no option but to cope and sober up on my own. Sober up from the drugs and sober up from the heartache that I put upon myself.

I haven't been feeling so great and I couldn't understand if it was because I was actually sick or the idea of her not being around made me sick or my body detoxing was making me sick. I broke out of my thoughts when my door opened and someone sat on the chair next to the bed. "Az you need to eat something" my moms voice echoed through the empty room giving me a headache. "I hate the food here, I hate the way this place makes me feel, I hate that although it's clean the stupid sheets smell like strawberries" I whispered and she only sighed lightly. "Let's go home Az" my mom said making me look at her and smile lightly. Deep down her and I knew that was a mistake. The secretary knew it was a mistake and the counselor knew it was a mistake because I knew she thought that if I walked out of that door I might not be saved by a girl from the bathroom floor again. The cold air hit me and made me shrivel lightly, I got in my moms car and we drove in silence. We pulled into our house that was surrounded by trees. Zen always loved these trees. "Az I put every medication away and everything but please promise me this isn't a mistake and I just didn't sign my sons death wish when I signed you out" she said with tears in her eyes and I nodded and squeezed her hand lightly.