Meaningful texts

The music~

Coming home from school. Same routine as always. Grabs some food, goes upstairs. Eats everything as fast as she can, she can eat A LOT without throwing up so that's useful. 'Don't forget to finish everything, our belly needs to hurt, remember?' Why though.. no amount of food is ever going to fill the emptiness I feel inside of me. Next step is trying to make the room as dark as she can. Then she changes her clothes into something cozy. After that she takes a blanket, wraps it around herself and goes to sit at her desk. It's like a big hug, nice! Also I'm cold af so it's useful too.. 'Look in front of you' Why? 'Put your earplugs in, let's listen to something shitty that will make you feel bad' (: Why? 'stop asking questions' Ok. So.. what is next? Oh no.. I have homework, I have no time for you. 'Stop finding excuses, things can't go easy, remember?' 'You don't deserve to feel relief, you need to be punished for your sins' But I'm not a sinner, why can't you forgive me? It's like you're angry at me for just.. breathing. 'You know it's more complicated than that' Then explain it to me. I want to understand it too. Why would I have a reason to feel bad? What.. Stop that?! 'Haha' Please, I don't want to cry. These tears are ruining my make-up. I don't want people to think I look dirty, my skin isn't flawless, remember? 'That's your fault' No, it's not? Now you're the one who's being stupid, you know how much time I've put into that. You know how extremely important it is for me to look ok. I've been ugly for so long, I don't want to feel that way EVER again. 'Oh, so you feel pretty now? Kinda. 'Sure.. look here is a picture of you' (: What have you done? It broke again, I feel the little knives coming back. Why would you hurt me like that? Never show me a picture of me ever again, I'm the only one who's allowed to take them. The girl in your photos is someone else, I'm not ready to accept the fact that that's me. Also why would you act like I did something wrong. I would never hurt anyone else. 'Will you hurt yourself then?' You know the answer to that.. I would never.. I don't want scars, I don't want more flaws. Also, I hate it when my friends do it, so why would I put them through the same thing as me? 'Hmm..' 'Okay, moving on' 'Can I ask you something?' Sure, anything. 'You stopped crying, even though the music hasn't stopped yet, why?' I forgot I guess. I was getting angry at you, you probably distracted me. 'So getting angry is your escape?' 'Is that what you're saying?' Maybe. I'm not sure, I don't think I'm built that way. 'Don't you think that getting angry, overeating, oversharing, humiliating yourself, speaking negative about yourself, trying to "proof" that your not stupid, LYING too yourself, are things you do to avoid your reality?' 'To avoid the fact that you have been broken, healed, and now falling back into the same patterns?' 'Or maybe you have been broken all along, but you just hid it by ignoring it' 'Or.. no..  you were never broken at all. That was just the thing you labeled yourself as, just to make it all sound more dramatic' I don't want drama. 'That's where you're wrong' 'You do and that's ok, but don't overreact in it' I'm not overreacting please! You have no idea how I feel.. 'Well then explain it to me' I can't. If I could let you have a look into my heart I would, but it's not possible.
I want to fix it, me, but it's harder than I thought.
'You MAKE it harder'
'You MAKE yourself miserable'
'What do you want?'
To accept me.
'Well then accept yourself!'
Ok.
She stopped the music.