Her Silent Killer

Chapter 22

I was tired being in this place now. And I really needed to leave. But I could see that the psychiatrist wasn't going to give me that green light until I shared my feelings with her. I was still showing her one of the two sentences when she asked me questions. She had showed her annoyance of me when I added a third sentence which was "I feel nothing." I mean, what did she want me to say? That I felt miserable? That I was in pain? That I was in suffering? That even though I had failed in offing myself, I still wanted to die? Is that it? Is that what she wanted me to say? For the why? It's not like if I told her all of that it was going to make a difference. I was not going to be healed just by saying all that to her. So no. I stood my ground. But what was I going to do, because I really wanted to leave this place. I was seriously going crazy. I still woke up smelling his scent. Now it even followed me everywhere I went. At the group sessions, at one on one sessions and also when they let us take our walks outside. I smelled him everywhere bethu. Everywhere. It was bad. So that's was one of the main reasons why I wanted to leave this place. I needed to escape this scent of his. It was doing crazy things to me. I thought about him more and more now and I didn't want that. I mean, his father...no...not going there. You see, just by thinking of his father it was enough for me not to want anything to do with him. I wasn't going to change my mind about him. He betrayed and hurt me in the worst way possible. It was just unforgivable.

The only person now who was making my stay at this place bearable was Winnie. She was funny as hell and cool as shit. I seriously didn't know why she was in here because to me she looked fine. She was always bubbly and always cracking jokes doing crazy things and also all the nurses here knew and liked her a lot. But during my stay here, I hadn't seen anyone coming to visit her, not even once. It was kind of sad even for me. I wonder where her parents and friends were at? I mean she was the same age as me. You would think her family would care to come and see her and how she was doing. I didn't ask her anything because what I realized in here is that nobody asked nobody about anything. We just minded our own business even though we were kinda in the same boat. Funny, right? But it was all as well because I also didn't want anyone knowing my business. I mean, that's why I never said a word during the group sessions, not like I could even if I wanted to. There was still the issue of me not being able to talk. Don't know why was that. But I wasn't complaining. Not being able to talk saved me from a lot of things. It saved me mostly from answering the questions that I knew my parents had for me. So during their visits, there was always silence, which I liked very much. I appreciated them and their support, I really did, but I was just too broken and damaged to be the kind of daughter that I knew they deserved because they were really great parents. Sucks that the universe gave them a daughter who is me. I honestly believed that me dying would be good for them and their lives. They really could be happy if that did happen. I wanted that for them at least. Maybe I could try again. To off myself that is. But I was tired of failing in my attempts. I mean, I've failed twice now. So what if I also failed in my third attempt? Then what? No. I had to plan it well next time so that there was no room for any failure.

Another week passed. I seriously had reached my limit. "I want to get out of here!" I wrote in my journal and showed my mother. She sighed.
My mother: "Dr. Andrews said you still need to stay here for one more week so that she can continue to observe you Khazie mntanam." I had already written my answer as she spoke. I showed it to her. It was a simple "No!" She looked at my father. I wrote again, the pen moving fast on the paper as I wrote. "This place is making me crazy! I will seriously lose my mind here. I want to leave. Now!!" I showed them both what I had written. They looked at each other communicating with their eyes. They did that a lot now.
Father: "Dr. Andrews says you still refuse to talk to her Preshy. She worries that you'll try to..." He trailed off clearing his throat. That I'll try to kill myself again. She wasn't wrong. "I don't talk because I have nothing to say!!" I showed them then I wrote again "Why are you guys forcing me??? I will do just fine if everyone left me the hell alone!!! Leave me alone!!! I can't be saved!!! I'm too broken!!! Too damaged!!!" I shoved the book in their faces. My mother blinked back her tears as her lips trembled. There we go again with the tears! I was really tired of seeing her cry. I looked away from them and folded my arms.
Father: "Preshy please. All we want is for you to heal so that you can finally live your life. That's all we want. So please mntanam. Please." I said nothing.
Mother: "M-maybe w-we should get him to come here. He always knew how to make you feel better." She said after a while. I was already writing as she spoke. "Don't!!! Don't mention him!!! I don't want him here. Ever!!!" I showed her what I wrote.
Mother: "But-." I threw my book and pen across the ward and screamed while pulling at my hair. They tried to get me to stop but I couldn't be stopped. My mother sobbed as the nurses came rushing in. I was held down and I felt the pinch of the needle on the skin on my arm and then my body went lax and I closed my eyes and I was swallowed by darkness.