chronic unexplained nightmares from 14-17. i hated sleeping. i didn't understand why every time i closed my eyes i was being forcibly undressed. kidnapped. or raped. why hands would choke me.
i would scream in silence. while my body laid paralyzed in my bed. melatonin helped it go faster. ten hour nightmares turned five.
post traumatic stress disorder. it's what army veterans have. i am no veteran. im a girl trapped by her brain. subconsciously torturing herself. consciously replaying the once repressed memories. heart beating out of my chest, cold needles making their way down my back, hallucinations of being attacked again.
i wanted so badly to not be a victim. i justified every move. he didn't move when i cried. he didn't take his hands off my neck. he pressed his crotch into my face. he groped me from behind. and though i asked him to stop. he enjoyed it.
i stayed in my personal hell for months, convincing myself i was happy.
he watches me sleep in first period because he cares. he stands, pressing himself into me because he wants to be closer to me. my name in his phone ends with his last name because he sees our future. my neck has handprints because he loves me.
instead of speaking up i was embarrassed that i was weak. that i didn't fight harder. that i deserved it. in efforts to save my life, my brain erased the memories. it took seeing him again for it to click.
two years later i am still processing. grieving the violence that happened to me. and wondering how i didn't see it sooner.
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the night the stars fell - poetry collection
PoetryPLEASE READ THE CONTENT WARNINGS this poetry collection includes themes and descriptions of: sexual violence/assault/harassment PTSD hallucinations depression anxiety self harm disordered eating in my experience feeling seen through works of writ...
