the night the stars fell - poetry collection

i miss you daddy

i miss you daddy. but i miss the relationship you never bothered to give me more. i'm upset that i'm secretly jealous of little girls sharing sacred moments with their fathers, as i pass them in the park. upset that i stand alone at parents week, because you didn't show up, as if you would ever show up; while my mom works late nights, because you don't provide for us. i don't want to unconsciously seek you in the men i pursue. someone older than me, bigger than me, someone who when their arms envelop me i feel safe enough to forget. giving them your name because the mere minutes of attention are more than i ever got from you. i don't want to be embarrassed that i'm fatherless. why am i sociality prejudiced for your disownment? i do miss you daddy; even though you'd rather get wasted out of your mind than play with the toys you bought me. i wish we hadn't fallen into this stereotypical relationship where i regrettingly wish i hadn't laid my hopes of a relationship with you at eighteen. the day you left me has passed five fold, and i still reel, thinking how soon death claimed you, and what our life would have been like if you had wanted me. do you know how frustrating it is, to understand my feelings about you six years too late? no matter how much i want a conversation with you, i can't. you died and left me with so many unanswered questions, of why you never loved me, of why you left me. i miss you daddy.