In My Head

Fighter and Hollow ~ Logan

Dad comes in, and I automatically shrink down in my seat in the corner of the hospital room. I can feel Dad glare at me, but he goes straight to Kaden on the hospital bed. "Hey kid. Looking tough."

"Hi Dad," Kaden mumbles.

"Look at this, Mom," Dad says. "We've got one brave kid."

"We sure do," Mom says, and she kisses Kaden's cheek. "Mr. Tough Guy. Nothing can keep you down."

"I got beat up. I'm a loser," Kaden says, and I have to roll my eyes. He is such a mamma's boy. We were all fighting, so why are my parents babying Kaden, but they're ready to rip my head off? God I wish I could disappear.

Mom and Dad try to cheer Kaden up in hushed voices, until the doctor comes in. He basically says Kaden is perfectly fine and we can go, and I sigh with relief. Maybe this means I won't be grounded until I'm dead.

"I'm going to take Logan home now," Dad says, and the hair on the back of my neck stands up.

"Okay," Mom says, and my stomach sinks. I sit frozen in place until Dad comes over and grabs my shoulder. I get up, my eyes on my shoes, as Dad takes me out of the room and down the hallway. He's not really squeezing my shoulder, but something makes me feel like he's going to rip my arm off. I can't catch my breath.

Finally we get outside and Dad pushes me toward the car. I go for the back seat, but he stops me and opens the front passenger door for me. I swallow and get in.

Dad goes around to the driver's side and gets in quickly. He starts the car and jams his finger on the sound system, turning the music off. I wish he would say something, but he makes me sit in this uncomfortable silence, and I start to go crazy thinking about what will happen when we get home.

Suddenly I can't sit still. I play with the knob on the car door, but I make sure not to roll the window down; I fidget with the seatbelt buckle, but I make sure to leave my seatbelt on. I almost lock and unlock the door, but I realize Dad would yell at me for that, so I sit on my hands and bite my lip. Still, he doesn't say a word.

Finally we get home, and I jump out of the car and follow Dad inside. He's walking fast now, and I make sure to keep up with him as he leads me upstairs. He stops in front of my room, and I go through the door and turn to look at him. He stands there watching me, and I look down at the floor and wait for him to chew me out.

"You wanna know something, Logan?" Dad says finally. His voice sounds stern, but he's not really yelling.

I shrug. "What?" I manage to choke out the word around the lump in my throat.

"In first grade someone was picking on you, and I taught you to stick up for yourself. You remember that?"

I close my eyes tight and nod once. Charlie Twiss made my life a living hell for two years. Dad taught me how to get back at him, and finally, when it was the end of second grade, I let that kid have it on the playground before school one day. He was almost a middle schooler, but I made him so mad he went and told on me. I spent three days in the office for it, but it was so worth it.

"I didn't teach you to stick up for yourself so you could beat up your own brother," Dad says in a biting tone, and I wince.

"I know . . ." I say, trying to hold back the tears.

"No, Logan. I don't think you know, or this wouldn't have happened." Dad steps away for a second, and then he comes back. "You know, maybe I made a mistake, teaching you how to fight. But this isn't my fault. This is on you, Logan. Do you know, Kaden means fighter? But I guess I was wrong to name your brother Kaden." Dad's practically whispering now. "You're the fighter, and you always will be. I just hope that you can learn to save people instead of hurt them." Dad starts walking down the hallway. "Stay in your room," he says, sounding tired, and he turns and disappears into his office.

I kick my door shut and slump over to my bed. For a while, I just lay there letting the tears leak out onto my pillow, trying to feel sorry for myself, but something is bugging me. Dad said Kaden means fighter. Why did he give him that name? Then I start to wonder what my name means.

Maybe I doze off a bit, because it seems like no time goes by at all, and I hear the slam of a car door. Mom is home. I roll over and furiously wipe my eyes on my sleeve, wishing I wasn't such a wuss about this. Dad didn't even yell at me, so why did I cry like a girl?

I hold my breath until someone comes to open my door. It's Mom. She has an angry glare in her eyes, but the rest of her face is a stony mask. "Logan. Come to my room with me." She walks down the hall to her room, and I follow, hanging my head. She shuts the door behind us a little hard. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

I inhale and exhale a couple times. "Is Kaden really okay?"

"He will be, no thanks to you," Mom says.

I nod slowly.

"Well, what do you have to say?!" Mom explodes, and I jump.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, okay? I know it was wrong, I do. I wish I could take it back." I'm crying again. "What should I do, Mom?"

"I don't know, Logan." Mom sounds so fed up. "I don't know if you can fix this, but you had better try. He's your twin brother. You need to start acting like he matters to you!"

"He does matter," I say under my breath.

"Then start acting like it." Mom opens her door for me, and I hang my head and go back out to the hallway. She almost slams the door behind me. I exhale heavily and lean against the door.

Finally, I walk down the hallway to Kaden's room. He's in bed. I stand in his doorway for a while, and then I go in. I kneel on the floor next to his bed and poke his arm. He doesn't respond. I tap his shoulder. He squeezes his eyes shut. "Hey!" I say in a hushed whisper. "Wake up!"

"Wha?" he says, tilting his head toward me. Slowly his eyes open a little. "Logan?" he says with a strange slur in his voice.

"You okay?" I ask.

"I have a concussion," he says sleepily. "Because of you."

"I didn't mean to," I say.

"Yeah, like you didn't mean to punch me in the face." Kaden glares. "Get out."

"I'm sorry."

"I don't care. Get out."

I stand up and stare at him. "I didn't mean to," I say again.

Kaden rolls his eyes. "Mom!" He shouts suddenly, sitting up in bed. "Tell Logan to leave me alone!" He slams himself back down on the bed and winces painfully.

He doesn't need to tell me three times. I get out and almost go back to my room, but I notice Dad left the door to his office open. I quietly inch my way up the hallway, but Dad's not here. I eye the computer on his desk, look back down the hallway, and go in.

I hurry to the computer desk and open up the internet. I can't help it, I just have to look this up. I go online to Google and type What does Logan mean?

I click on the first website and read: The name Logan is of Scottish origin. The meaning of Logan is "little hollow."

I blink at the screen. My name means hollow? I navigate to dictionary.com and look up the word hollow.

1. having a space or cavity inside; not solid; empty. A hollow sphere.

2. having a depression or concavity: a hollow surface.

3. sunken, as the cheeks or eyes.

4. not resonant; dull, muffled, or deep: a hollow voice.

5. without real or significant worth; meaningless: a hollow victory.

I stare at the screen, feeling strangely empty inside. Finally, I close the internet page and go back to my room.