In My Head

Just a Girl ~ Kaden

"Let's take the elevator back up," Mirna says.

"There's an elevator?"

"Yeah." She motions for me to follow her.

I slam my locker shut and walk next to her down the hallway. The elevator's at the very end of the hall, next to the bathrooms. Mirna pulls out a key card and runs it through a card scanner near the door. The elevator beeps and opens. Mirna moves into the elevator and pushes a button. I rush in after her. The doors ease shut, the elevator jerks and hums, and my stomach lurches. Something about the elevator makes me uneasy. I'm not claustrophobic like Logan, so why do I feel so anxious? Then I realize the elevator lights are flickering. My heart pounds.

Mirna looks up and smiles at me. "Don't worry about the elevator. It runs just fine, but it's old so the lights are weird." She squints her eyes at me. "Didn't you get an elevator key card?"

I shrug. "Where d'you get one?"

"The nurse's office."

Oh, it must be a disability thing, but I didn't get a card, because I didn't turn in my medical records.

"It's mostly for people with wheelchairs or crutches," Mirna says. "But they hand them out to people like us too."

I'm uncomfortably aware of the warm metal of my medic alert pendant against my chest. "I don't need an elevator to get to class," I say. "I'm not helpless."

Mirna's eyes go big. "Okay, fine. I only use it because the stairs suck when they get really crowded. And hey, if you have to be a freak, at least you get to ride the elevator."

Freak?! Who does she think she is?

Mirna gapes up at me. "Oh my jeans," she says. "I'm such a bitch. I didn't mean to say that you're-that we're . . . you know . . ." She heaves a deep sigh and runs her fingers around the curve of her ear, but her hair is up in a ponytail, so there's no hair to tuck behind her ear. "I just thought you might feel the same way about it."

"Yeah? Well you have no idea how I feel." The elevator doors open, but Mirna grabs my arm before I can walk out. The sudden contact fills me with a giddy rush of adrenaline.

"I'm sorry," Mirna says, staring into my eyes. "I know bad jokes don't make it go away. Nothing can make it go away."

Those words sting somewhere deep inside. Lissa always used to say she was sorry she couldn't make it go away. I can't even go two hours without thinking about Lissa. It's bad enough that I have to wake up to the bitter reminder that I'll probably never even talk to her again. Now I have to meet a girl who's so much like her, and completely different all at the same time. Why does this have to happen?! "I don't need you to feel sorry for me," I snap. I yank my arm from her grasp. I'm so pissed, I accidentally backhand her elbow.

Mirna's eyes go big and round, and her mouth falls open. She pulls away from me, grabs her elbow, and stares at my chest. Almost like she doesn't even see me anymore. She could break down into tears any second. In the silence, the elevator doors ease shut, trapping us both inside.

What is wrong with me?! Mirna's the first person I've ever met who could even hope to get me, and I freaked out on her, just because she made a bad joke. So what if she reminds me of Lissa? So what if she feels sorry for me? I'm sick of living in the past. Forget Lissa. I'm here right now, and that's all that matters.

"Listen. I know what you meant," I say. "It's what they think." I nod at the art wing behind her, at the whole school. "People make really bad jokes and talk like it's funny. They have no fricking clue how much it sucks . . . I guess I didn't realize that you actually get it."

"Sure I get it." Mirna smirks up at me. "But still, I shouldn't tell you how to feel. I just met you." She stares up at me, her eyes a pale blue, like ice. "I won't hold it against you if you don't hold it against me."

Is she really going to forgive me that easily? I don't even know her, and I was a complete jerk to her. But instead of hating me, she actually wants to become friends?

"Okay," I say with a nod.

Mirna smiles. "Good." She pushes the button to open the elevator doors and raises her eyebrows. I nod, and we turn together and make our way down the art wing.

I shove my hands into my pockets, and my hand catches on that card Mirna gave me, the combination for my locker. "Thanks for taking me to my locker," I say.

"No prob." She smiles big at me, and her eyes flash gray and purple.

"Your eyes are amazing," I say. My ears go hot, and I stare at the floor.

Mirna kind of laughs. "Jeez, you're moody. One minute you're chewing me out and smacking me around and the next minute you're hitting on me."

I realize she's still holding her elbow, cradling it against her side. I wince. "I'm sorry I hit you. Does it hurt?" I ask.

"Oh." Mirna looks down and lets her arm go. "Don't worry, you barely touched me." She reaches the classroom and walks in. I go through the door after her.

Logan is here. He looks up at me. This weird expression goes over his face, something like relief and anger all at once. I take the seat next to him.

Mirna grabs her stuff and moves to the second row. Everyone is working on a still life. The noise level in here is just right. Not distracting, but not uncomfortably quiet either.

"Where did you go?" Logan whispers.

"Me? Where did you go?" I can't help but smile at him.

Logan sighs. "Never mind. Who was that?" He turns in his seat to look back at Mirna. She locks eyes with Logan, glances at me, and gives him that cute little wave. Logan stares, completely shameless. She takes a seat directly behind me, flips open her drawing pad, pulls out a pencil, and starts on her drawing, her head propped against her left hand.

I right myself in my chair. "Just a girl," I say under my breath.

Logan snorts. "Yeah right," he whispers back. "There's no such thing as just a girl."