When all dreams crumble

13 When there's nothing else that pain left

Jana

March 1916 after couple hours

Matei is at here and he doesn't know anymore who I am... What did I do wrong? Why did I shout for him, he has already been struggling so badly at the war during these two years... I just did the situation 100% worse... Is he gonna accept my apologize?? I wish that I could time travel those two hours and delete all of those mean sentences... Later I want go to his room and apologize. At now I am sitting at ambulance doors of hospital. I do watch how soldiers are carrying those injured ones to hospital. We need to 'put' the to two category, those one who still have change to make full recovery, and those who we has better to leave dying. Making that decision is not easy. 

I do feel bad to listen how some of those dying soldiers are at our age. The way how they ask we to contact their families and girlfriends at the last time before they leave this world. The moment when they do realize that they are gonna die is the most heartbreaking to watch... The only thing we are able to do at that situation is make sure that they are thinking something that makes them happy, take their thoughts away from death. We also have own plan, if someone blind patient is dying and we can't contact their girlfriend or she is dead, we are playing that role for them. I have never done that because I do have boyfriend who is soldier himself. But I have been talking for those dying soldiers, that makes them calm and relaxed. 

Because I am sure that I am not able to speak 'face to face' with matei I am going to write a letter for him, the letters are the 'our' thing. 

Matei

Hello dear!

I am writing this letter for you because I am not brave enough to speak with you without crying. I don't want to look like a weak idiot. I just wan't to apologize my horrible behavior. I don't even realize why did I shout like that, I was insane because I haven't seen you for a long time and was waited you for two years! Maybe you could have knew me better with other way, but I was too shy to kiss you when there were other ones at room too. Maybe if not then I would have wished you better way welcome to be back home.

I know that you boys do hate when someone says this kind of things from you, but I was so worried from you... When I saw you, at first you looked so thin, so ill, not the one you were when I did see you last time. And then your leg... I have not seen it yet, but I do think that it might be amputated. When you were brought to hospital you were so bloody, and they did speak something form grenade and bombings. To be honest at first I did not even know it was you until John said that there is soldier from England. 

I hope that you did understood that I wasn't meant to be like that, I just was so in shock  because of your appearance... But when I am ready I will come and see you.

- [hopefully still yours] Jana