When all dreams crumble

the past never changes

Three year later...

Emily 

Three years ago I spoke for the full gym of primary school. I remember how scared I was. They asked me to give an speech for the veterans. They said that I was an special person because both of my parents were working for this country. But at this time I don't feel to be so honored anymore. 

I am now fifteen year old. The same age that my birth mother was when dad left to war. I don't really know anything from my parents. Just a few thinks my foster parents have said from them. 

But those letters between them are the most precious thing. By reading them I am able to get an idea from what their life was about. Their memories are hidden at my heart. 

My whole name is Emily Grace Wilson. Wilson is not my real last name, it was supposed to be Bites or Covaci after my parents. But shortly after my birth they died. I almost died too, but Jana's sister saved me in the last minutes.They adopted me when I was just a couple weeks old baby.. That's the reason why Wilson is my last name. 

Even thought the war ended twelve years ago, we still are prepared for the new bombings. We do live now at the USA. Britain is still ruined and British people are trying to built it up... once again. We needed to move, because Britain was not a save place to live anymore. So this is my third year of living at here. I miss my old home country. 

So I said that mom was around fourteen when she met dad. I have a crush for one boy. He is a few years older than me and I am not brave enough to tell him about my feelings. I met him at the school. And it was a surprise for me when I found out that he lives next to me. 

In the other side lives my best friend Hazel Grace. When we realized that our second names are the exact same we found it to be super funny. Also our parents do think that we were born to be best friends... because of the same second name. Hazel is one year older than me. She does have a brown hair and eyes. She is about the same height as I and we do have an same clothes size. 

But Hazel is completely different than me. She loves to travel around USA, they have those holidays all over the year and she is able to visit in different cities. Surprise, surprise she does have an boyfriend. But no ones really see him. He also live near, couple houses forward. Augustus is all she has been speaking for a lately. And I am almost jealous for her. But it really isn't her fault that I am a little bit shy person*. 

But back to my own life now. 

I miss my best friend, I haven't seen her in ages. But I know that she probably is too busy to write those endless love letter for Augustus. I just don't get it... why the h*ll are not they going to meet each others. It isn't so difficult. If I could have a boyfriend like him I would meet him secretly as much as I would be allowed. Really something is off with her. I just don't know what is it. 

I don't do much in my life. I just hangout at home when my parents are working. Sometimes Hazel visits me and the mystery guy from the next house. Really how could I say I love someone without knowing his name??! This situation is unfair for both of us.

Dad says that I am too young to even think about getting boyfriend. Mom is more friendly and supports me to be brave*. I just can't go next to him and say 'Hey I might or might not be in love with you'. It's not the way girl is supposed to behave. 

Mom does have a little boutique at the center. It's called Willows boutique. There are those fancy almost princess dresses. Every teenager girl at here is dreamed to have one. I too have many of those, mom brings them with her. But it's funny because I never attend to parties where I could have an possibility to use one. I have given a plenty of them for Hazel, she needs them more than I do. 

Compared to others at this country Me and Hazel do have plenty of those cute clothes. It's a bit unfair for other girls who wear these grey and white basic daily dresses. But I can't do nothing for my parents. To be honest Hazel's parents are not very happy about their daughter to use these 'adult' clothes like they do say. Once her father called us to 'wh*res' and that kinda hurt because my mom use to say that we are beautiful no matter of clothes we use. 

Her mother isn't any better than father. Both of them are mean for her... They say that she is ill. That's why she can't leave the house. 

But I know the real reason. She showed once those burn marks and butterflies for me. They are from the endless violent. I am scared that my best friend is going to die soon. And I feel that she is just disappearing from this world day by day. I can't do nothing to save her. 

I have so many trust issues. At firstly because I lost my whole family right after I was born, and secondly because so many male persons have tried to hurt me... both emotionally and physically. I have only three trustworthy person in my life --> 'mom', 'dad' and Hazel... I don't want to lose any of them. 

Almost every day I read letters from January. Those are the thing that keeps my heart warm. She was the person who decided my name. In one letter she told that name 'Grace' means peace, it reminded her about how beautiful this world was before this war started. 

I wish that one day I am capable to give my children a better place to live at. Yeah I want family, but not a big one. I want a kind fiance and few children. I want a peaceful future. 

Dear mom! 

If you see me now. I want you to know that I am happy to have you two to be my parents. Even if I never met you personally I have that sense inside of me that I 'know' you. I miss you very much, although I don't realize how could I miss someone who I never knew. 

You wrote many letters for me... So now I want to write a few for you too. 

My life has been good. I have the best foster parents ever, but still I feel like the piece of my heart is missing. It has been fifteen years now. You have already been gone for 15 years. Now it's winter and it reminds me about you January.

Three years ago we moved to USA, it was the only option. Your home country was in the middle of mess. before we moved from Britain I visited at your grave twice in year. every birthday and Christmas. Now I am so sad that I cant visit at grave yard anymore. 

Mom at your first letter you said that you fell in love with daddy when you were fifteen. I think that I may be in love with one boy. But I am too shy to tell about my feelings. What should I do... tell or not? I don't want to ruin his life with my messy life. But when I see him he makes me to smile. So maybe I could say something and look how he reacts. 

or what... 

I also found a friend from here. Her name is Hazel. And ques what... we both do have an same second name 'Grace'. Isn't it funny. 

I need to go now, Mom is calling me for dinner. I wish that maybe I am able to write more at the better time.

this is not goodbye 

- Emily Grace, your loving daughter