Non Verbal

59

Hi i missed you sorry lol:) this er might be slightly boring but it sets up the next few chapters so- Happy reading. Please remember to comment. 

Chapter 59

Lottie's POV.

We went back to Rowan's.

And we didn't talk much on the way.

He was struggling, a lot. It was like he had been holding it all in the past few days and now that he had let himself tell me, that it had escaped him, it was like he couldn't really remember how he was hiding it before.

Or maybe I was just fucking blind before, I don't know.

His hands were counting, his fingers pressed every now and again against his side.

He drove.

But I could tell he didn't want to.

I would have if he had asked. But he didn't and I didn't really want to.

And when we got back to his, the house was so quiet that I think it made us both a little weary.

We hadn't really been on our own in days, especially since we started to- since it's been harder to keep our hands to ourselves.

I was obviously going to be keeping my hands to myself, even though when I pulled back earlier, he got upset. Which was a surprising reaction from him.

He said he didn't want me to be scared of him, which obviously I wasn't. But I think that means he's starting to understand that physical touch is more than the physiological sensation. I think it means that Rowan can feel what I am feeling, the awe, and the chemistry, and the genuine just warmness, by the way we touch and interact.

I think that means that physical touch has become more than the uncomfortableness he used to feel.

And that makes me both happy and worried.

Because I don't want to change him, I want him to be able to freely express if he wants to be touched or if he doesn't. I don't want him to have to consider the implications emotionally if we don't.

You know?

"Would you like-" He starts and he pauses mid-sentence, his eyes closing for a brief moment and he opens then, turning around to look at me shocked.

I smile a little.

I wish his imagination was something I could see too.

Because if I could see what he sees, thinks what he thinks, I could for sure promise him that it wasn't true.

"Pardon Roe?" I ask.

He shakes his head. "I need to be alone Lots, like I don't feel- I think you should leave."

I regard him fully, my eyebrows furrowing.

"Rowan..." I say quietly. "I don't want to leave you alone when I know you're having a bad time."

"I genuinely think it's worse if you stay."

Ouch.

Don't feel offended Lottie, it's not right. At all. He's just expressing what he needs.

So I nod.

"Do you want to be alone, or do you just want me to go?"

He frowns. "Yeah."

"No I mean is it specifically me?" I ask, stood in his hallway, I hadn't even taken off my shoes yet.

He lifts his hand to his face, dragging it down it.