Non Verbal

85

Lottie's POV

Something changed. Something in Rowan, it's like he just gave in.

Every part of him that was holding back before disappeared.

We go back to the beach house, and I guess I know that we shouldn't be doing this. But well, I have always been bad at stopping stuff that I know isn't good for me.

He kisses me as soon as we get to the door, his hands holding my waist firmly and I break the kiss, fumbling around with the key to get in. It's stupid what we're doing, I guess we both know that. No words have been exchanged at all.

We usually talk. That is what Roe and I do. We communicate. Or we used to.

But tonight, it seems like we're both bored of the talking, of the hurt that comes from these words. Instead, we focus on the feeling of each other again in each other's arms and all I know is that I don't want to hurt anymore.

He must be on the same wavelength because as I get the front door open, he guides us in, turning me around as we shut the door together and I am pressed against it. I hate that I am just full heartedly letting this happen. Obviously, I want it. But I also I hate that I do not say no. I hate that when we kiss and kiss and just kiss it all falls away this time. We share no tortured longing, no quiet feelings. Our feelings are here between our lips, loud and clear and there is no hint of hesitation on either of our ends.

We go upstairs to my room and I pause by the door. My bed is unkept but my room that I have been staying in is clean, tidy. I have had enough of being here now and especially after this, I know that I will want to leave to go home.

Things are going to be bad after this. I just know it.

But anyhow Rowan kisses my wrist just once as he pulls my rings off. He always does this, no, he always did this when I'd undress. He'd want it all off. I watch him and once his hand is full of rings, he places them down on the bedside table. And then I go to him, walking straight into his arms. Our lips catch lightly once, then draw apart, then he kisses me again and I don't think our lips disconnect for the next hour or so.

Every kiss, every touch, every arch, Rowan holds onto me like I am slipping away through his fingers. Even though we're holding onto each other so tight through it all I can feel the fact he's not completely mine. I am his though. Awfully so. I would hate him if he said that, if anyone was to slightly suggest I belonged to another human, especially a man. But my goodness, I do somehow belong to this beautiful boy that is Rowan Carter and I don't mean property wise, I don't mean my body, I don't mean because he kisses me like no other person has.

I truly just mean that I don't see a time and a place where my heart could find a space for someone else that is not him. He takes up so much of it. It's his.

By the time we stop, or well, by the time our hearts stop beating so hard against our chests we still have not uttered a single fucking word. I am not laying on him, I don't want to hurt him, we are laying on our sides, side by side, our bodies turned to look at each other.

We are just looking.

Until we aren't.

Until he lifts his hand and he signs it.

'I love you.'

I copy his hands.

I didn't learn that sign. I didn't want to.

But I am a quick learner. It's not hard to decipher.

He signs it again. I sign it again.

His eyes are deeply connected to mine and he deflates, he sighs. 'I can't give you up.'