Lost

Chapter 63

My phone vibrates against my arm and I push my head up from the desk. I have been sitting here for the last hour, neither Harry nor Asheton got in the kitchen during the time. But that leaves me to my own thoughts and I try to figure out, what all those things mean, I got to know about Harry.

There are so many little pieces of him, but I cannot make it fit, so that I finally solve the puzzle.

"What?" I ask into the speaker of my phone.

"Sorry for disturbing you, damn it" Joss says at the other side of the line.

I close my eyes and put my head back on the table. "I'm sorry, Joss. I didn't mean to be so aggressive, I just had a bad night and all.."

"What did he do?" she wants to know.

It is always about him, is it not? There is nothing anymore that does not lead to him that does not somehow end up including him. It is always him, all the time, at all places, with all people. Out of all people, he is the one causing me the most trouble, the greatest heartbreak, the sweetest agony and most of all, the deepest feelings.

"I don't want to talk about" I refuse her and sigh. I really don't want her to know what happened. I actually do not even want to think about it, because it will only leave me with the pain again, and it is crushing my heart right now. "How is it over there?"

She sighs deeply, showing me exactly what she thinks about me not talking. She has been a great friend ever since I met her and Joanna has also become one hell of a support. "Now that I know you're not okay it's bullshit over here. It's not about me being curious rather than me worrying about you like hell."

"I know." And I do, but I do not want to talk about it. It is one of those things I would really like to keep to myself. "It'll be fine, Joss. So, why did you call?"

"Actually, just to know you're fine over there with.. him." Now she knows I am not. "When are you getting back here?"

"Well, uhm.. I think tomorrow." Damn, just another night with him around.

For a minute there is no sound, then "Ok. Be careful with him."

I know what she means and it has nothing to do with physical stuff. "Will be. See you then."

And I barely hear her whisper "Bye, Ley."

With that I get off the phone and put it back on the table.

"Interesting phone call." Harry's voice gets me out of my daze. "Good to know that you'll be fine."

He is not even looking at me, just walks over to the counter and gets himself some coffee. His eyes are always down moving over the floor, as if he is avoiding eye contact with me on purpose. Well, he probably really is, because I would be, too, if I hadn't had the time to think it over, and I did have. The entire night and morning, indeed. But it still is not enough. It will never be enough time to think it all through with him.

"Will you?" I ask, because I do not feel like talking about myself right now. The lump in my throat threatens to keep me from breathing, but I do it anyway.

He wears nothing but black jeans and I watch his muscular body move, when he leans against the counter with his hips and takes a sip of his coffee. "You ever saw me not being fine?"

I guess the truth is, I never saw him being fine. I always see him being ok, but never fine. "That's not an answer, and you don't get to question me back so you get around an answer."

Harry frowns and then nods and shrugs as if he doesn't care. "Kay then.. yes, I'll be."

For a second he stares in his coffee cup as if he can see something in it. His green eyes stare into the liquid and his lips form a grim line. And then he puts the cup on the counter, looks me straight in the eyes and I stop breathing the second he does. There is so much pain and worry in there, so much grief and loss that it tears me apart just looking at him.