Lost

Chapter 65

When I wake up Wednesday morning, it is not nearly the time I would like to get up. But I know I have to, since we still want to visit my brothers before we get over to Edinburgh. It is a later night interview, but we still have to drive a long while to get there. Harper and Harry both join me there, but I know I will be glad when I got it done and over with.

"Ley?" Joss' voice comes like a whisper only from the other side.

I clear my throat. "Yes?"

To not have to talk to her through a wall I stand up, walk over to the door, and open it to look at her. She wears nothing but a black shirt that covers half of her thighs and is way too big for her. But since she is not wearing anything else apart from panties, as I see, the size of the shirt is the last thing she should be worried about, if someone would burst in.

"You know.. I wondered if you really are alright." She looks insecure.

I frown. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"You.. you stopped screaming. Like, entirely. Not a single, little word came out of your mouth. And I somehow got worried because I only know you screaming. At least every second night. And since you've been with Harry.. not the slightest sound."

"Which is a good thing" I remind her and cross my arms. "I don't know, Joss. I don't have those nightmares anymore, either. I feel better."

And I also feel suspicious about Harry. But I love him and I do not want anyone to know but me and him. And obviously Ash.

Gods, Ash. Leaving him in this big house alone again went totally against my moral feeling. That man needs someone with him and I am dead serious about it. Since I got to know him better, he feels like a brother to me and I want him to be fine. Also, Harry is different with him, they mean so much to each other. I cannot stand Asheton being on his own.

We stayed until late night because I did not want to leave him alone again. Then Harry dragged me into his car, literally locked me in there and drove away. He knows Ash better than me still and says he will get through it. But the look in his eyes when we drove away was so heart wrenching, I barely got over it. I still feel an ache deep within me for him.

But I know I am not the one for him. I cannot get to him, because I am already off limits. Harry is my construction zone, and I only want him to be it. No one else.

I also got to know that Ash was Harry's secret. Nobody knew about him, since Harry did not want anyone to know he could be different. Over years, Ash had been the only one who knew him, better than anyone else anyway. Now this is me and I wonder how I got to be it. But that does not matter, not to me, it doesn't. I just feel honored to be the one who got to know about Asheton.

"It's good, for you. I just.. am not sure, whether Harry is a good influence or a bad one. I don't want you anymore damaged, because you know, whatever had you in your knees should not be worsened by such a.. man."

I know she had meant the last word to be an insult and I do not take it against her. Because Harry is only to me the man he really is and the rest of the world just seems to be around him, not actually seeing him. As a matter of fact, they do not see him at all. And I only started doing it, too, I believe.

"It's ok, really. I will be fine." But I won't, if the secrets he has turn out to destroy me.

Right now my head is full with him, when wasn't it?, and I am not sure anymore whether I want to know about those secrets or not.

Joss nods. "Of course you will. That's what they all say. And then they're fucking pregnant."

I give her a very special look that says, we are talking about me right now, and all she can do is nod with a slow smile spreading over her face, eyes sparkling in a little amusement.