Lost

Chapter 17

It is Friday morning and I wake up with a very bad headache.

My memory is blurred and I do not know what happened to me that I was out of good and bad. My mind is not able to make my thoughts clear and my eyes can not focus on something. I am confused and I wonder why. And then it hits me. I was wide awake because my nightmares became worse. I see my parents burn, I hear them scream. And this time, I see my granny’s face when I wake up like she is sitting on my bed, right in front of me. But she does not look normal. Her eyes are away and her face is red, no hair, only scars made from fire.

“So you finally woke up” Joanna says, who is standing in my room.

I know she is halfway asleep, she looks like that. I am so sorry for her, I could not have known it would be like that.

“I screamed, didn’t I?” I ask her and she nods. Her eyes are wet and violet shadows are under them. Her mouth seems to be dry and her skin almost white. She seems like she is ill.

“Yes, and I am sure it was louder than ever before. You didn’t scream that loud before. I wasn’t able to hear it, only when I was around your door or in the kitchen. But now.. now the walls can’t take the sound of your voice anymore. And as you can see, I am tired as hell.”

“I-I am.. oh, I am so sorry. I feel so sorry, I know this is not what you expected it to be like with me and I can not tell you how sor-“

“If you say you’re sorry one more time I will torment you till death” she growls but seems to be not that serious actually.

I keep my mouth shut and nod.

“This is not your fault. If you have nightmares we should find out what helps you. Maybe you can tell me what-“

“No!” Now it is my turn to interrupt her a bit harsh. I know she only wants to help me and I am thankful she wants. I am also thankful she understands me. But I do not want anybody to know about what happened. And I do not want to speak about that.

Joss sighs. “You need help or a way to help yourself. Please.. this isn’t good for me and not that good for you as well.”

She is right, I know that. But I can not help it. I can not speak about that, with nobody. Ever.

“Maybe I should get some more medicine or drugs or whatever. That normally helps.”

Joanna huffs. “You’re not taking drugs, Ley. We’ll have to find another way.”

I burry my face in my hands and sigh. “I can not tell you how sorry I am.”

“Enough.” Joanna growls and a second later she is on top of me and stares down into my eyes, my head in my pillow. Her eyes stare straight into mine and she is serious now.

“Don’t fucking say that you’re sorry again. I mean it. Whatever it is that hurts you, it’s the reason for your screaming and it is not, I repeat, NOT, your fault. So calm down.”

I breathe out slow and loud and stare back into her eyes. She is very serious but so am I.

“Get up, I got breakfast” she then says and gets away from me.

I hurry and walk after her into the kitchen. We sit down at the bar and then she smiles. “How’s work? Do you progress?”

I nod. “I do indeed. One and a half chapter already. And I have a good idea for the following.”

“How’s that working, you are just writing and showing it to your lector or what?” Joanna questions.

I shrug my shoulders. “Mr. Collins and I work on that book together. I will get a lector soon enough I guess, but yet I do not have one.”