𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐒𝐈𝐂𝐊 ; 𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐨 𝐫𝐢𝐝𝐝𝐥𝐞

FOURTEEN

tw: suicide attempt

Returning to Hogwarts, it's already fairly late so I go straight back to my dorm. Haisley decides she wants to have dinner, and gives me a hug goodnight then leaves. But as I lie awake in my bed, Riddle comes back, invading my thoughts. Everything he did to me. He hurt me. Possibly scarred me, even. I didn't want to be dramatic, but could I even trust anyone like I did him again?

I opened my heart and soul to him. Believed that he was really listening. That he actually cared. But he didn't. It was all a fucking lie, and it always was. I lie there, hopeless. He said sorry. But Merlin, did he even mean it? There's no way for me to know, obviously. He's determined to hide what we did from everyone.

Deciding I can't be alone with my thoughts any longer, I get out of bed and change, then head straight to the Great Hall. I find my friends and sit with them, without saying anything but 'hello'. They don't question anything, they just offer me food. As our conversation reaches full swing, a couple of girls walk past, and I happen to overhear their conversation.

"That's Vienna Diggory. Apparently she was so desperate to have sex with Riddle she offered to go down on him, without anything in return." One giggles.

"Really? I heard she tried to get Riddle and Malfoy in bed. Desperate slut." Another returns.

I'm unsure if my friends heard what they said, but when I meet their gazes, I can tell they did. You know what one of the worst feelings is? When you're in a room full of people you know, and you're trying to hold back tears. And miserably failing. "I'm done with dinner." I announce, slamming my cutlery down.

Haisley flinches. "Let's go back to the-"

"I'm fine. I need to be alone." I'm practically contradicting myself. Just a half hour earlier I was complaining about how I didn't want to be alone. I run out of the hall, afraid of accidentally making eye contact with Riddle and his stupid friends. Parkinson gives me a mocking wave and a smirk. I just know she spread those rumours. I burst out of the hall, running all the way to my dorm.

Once I'm back in the dorm, I punch the wall. I fold over as my fist stings, but I couldn't care less. The emotional pain is worse right now. How could he do that? I grab my pillow and scream into it, wanting to let my frustration out. It's almost unbearable. But why does it hurt? When I told him I loved him, I didn't think I meant it. Is his proof that... that I actually might love Mattheo Riddle? I just know there's a quick fix to feeling like this. But I couldn't do that to all the new friends I've made. To Cedric... to my parents. A part of me is telling me it's selfish. But it's not. It's not fucking selfish. I'm suffering, and there's only one thing I can do about it.

Getting up, I rummage through my drawer until I find it. The box I'd brought just in case. I knew Hogwarts was going to be overwhelming, and I wanted it to be there in case I ever needed it. Obviously I was hoping I wouldn't need it, but it was reassuring to know the option was always there. I hold the box close to my chest as I sit on the floor. I can't think straight. My brain is a cacophony of negative, self-hating thoughts.

Tears fall down my face as every interaction I ever had with Riddle replays. It's fucking stupid, is what it is. I'm just a teenager who thought she was in love with a boy she never should've talked to in the first place.

Gripping the box, I make my way to the courtyard. Pretty much everyone was in the Great Hall having dinner, which meant I would be alone. Leaning against a wall behind some trees, I open up the box on the ground. Bottles upon bottles of pills. It brings back painful memories just looking at them, but it also brings back the feeling of relief, the feeling that I'll be gone soon.

Opening the bottles, I start taking the pills, handful by handful. I don't stop until I've got one more pile left. Cold, wet rain starts to fall; it's so heavy I'm soaked to the bone immediately. Any warmth I've felt is diminished. My vision goes blurry and my head swims. Gripping the last pile of pills, I stumble out from behind the trees.

"MATTHEO!" I yell through the rain. I don't even know why I'm calling for him. It's just a figure. It might not even be him.

The figure turns, and I stagger over to him. He uses a hand to shield his eyes from the rain. "Diggory?"

"You... you hurt me." I say tiredly. "Hurt... me." I can feel my consciousness slipping. But I hold on, refusing for this to be a failed attempt. Just one last pile...

"What? Diggory, what's wrong?" His voice is laced with concern.

Collapsing on the ground, I open my mouth and shove the pills in. "Hurt..." I mumble as my eyes start to close. I feel myself choking, and I want to scream. But no sound comes out as I start to fade. The pain subsides.

"Vienna? VIENNA!" Mattheo calling my name is the last thing I hear before I slip into sleep.

a/n:

hi everyone. i know this is a touchy subject to write about, and it was hard for me to write. i didn't want to make the attempt too realistic, because again, it's not easy to write nor is it easy to read about. i just wanted to let you all know that my dms are open if you ever want to talk to me about anything. love you all <3 take care!

also thank you all so much for 100 reads!! keep commenting and voting please, thank you :)