One String Attached

11.

.Riley.

I needed to breathe. Some fresh air to think straight. Being trapped in that tiny apartment with two kids below the age of ten and a cat that one of them is scared of was not helping me at all. I had to think through everything and be able to process it all, but that was much easier said than done.
The more I thought about it, the more the bad memories started to consume me and I felt myself beginning to slip back into the hole I had made myself back when I was only twenty.

I hadn't even graduated from university at the time. I was a mess.
Mum and Dad were getting divorced at the time, James was hours away from me, all my friends had left and moved on which meant I was flying solo and had to make new friends at business school myself.
I was going through a tough time and it was all flooding back to my mind like déjà vu and I didn't know how to make it stop.

Even what had just happened last night brought back memories from when I had found out I was pregnant with Aaliyah. Bryson wouldn't leave me alone at the time.
He knew I was messed up and that my life was spiralling out of control. What he didn't know was that I was still with James at the time suffering from a long-distance relationship, meanwhile I was pregnant with Bryson's baby. Yet every night he came back for more. I stopped going to lectures, cut everyone off.
I didn't know what to do. I was always sick, frightened of the world, suffering on my own. Emily tried over and over again to get through to me but I was so far deep in this internal loop of negativity that I made sure she had no contact with me whatsoever.

There were nights where I was on my own in my dorm at campus and Bryson would show up, wanting more out of me. He wanted to use me to his advantage, use me to pleasure him. He would knock on my door continuously, show up in the middle of the night just like he did the night before when Aaliyah came into mine and James's bedroom, a petrified mess. It reminded me of back then.

As we walked through the park, Aaliyah holding Asher's hand while they walked ahead in front of me, I watch them carefully, making sure they wouldn't hurt themselves and no one would touch them.
It's a mother's instinct, keeping a protective eye on the children even if no one else is around.
You worry about them so much that you begin to fill your mind with scenarios of what you've heard happen on the news; things like abductions, kidnaps, kids going missing. You forget how rare those sort of things really are and you put your whole heart into keeping them safe. Sometimes you begin to overdo it and in the end, you forget about yourself and your own health and safety.

As we're walking through the park, my phone starts ringing with a call from James, so I sigh before swiping right to answer it. I really didn't feel like talking to anyone right now, but I knew I had to let him know where we were.
"Hey," I mumble rather tiredly into the phone. He's quiet for a moment before responding.
"Hey, bubs. Where are you? I've been trying to get through to you but there was no signal," he tells me.

I sigh once again, shaking my head and keeping my eye on the kids still as they strolled off the park and onto the grass to start playing a game of 'Ring-A-Ring-A-Roses'. I move Asher's pushchair to the side and stand out of the way, by a bench before sitting myself down on it.
"I'm at the park with Ash and Liyah," I say to him, making him hum quietly. "Where are you?"
"I went to go and see Piper. We're still at the park, by the café, are you anywhere near there?" he asks me.

"Asher, no, baby," I call out to him as he begins to start picking at the grass, throwing it at his sister after they had fallen down onto the lawn. He looks over to me and sulks as I shake my head at him to tell him off, then he decides to find something else to do, before I go back to speaking with James. "We're down the adventure trail," I say to him.
"Where?" he asks again, causing me to roll my eyes.
"The adventure trail."
"Pardon?" he says again, but as I listen to him, I don't only hear his voice through the phone, but also from behind me, then before I can say or do anything . . .

"Daddy!" Aaliyah squeals, rushing over towards him, making him chuckle. I turn my head around to face him as he clicks onto the screen of his phone to cut off our call.
"Hey, princess," he says to her.

Asher whines, calling for his dad but not being able to walk over to him as he stumbles on the grass, so then James sighs and holds onto Aaliyah's hand as they walk over to little Ash. James picks him up, holding him on his side attentively before Asher giggles.
"Daddy," he says, cupping his father's cheeks and laughing, making me smile the only smile I've been able to muster today.

James laughs and pecks his forehead before turning around to face me and when he does, he winks, making me chuckle softly.
"Right, why don't you play around here for a couple of minutes before we head back home, okay?" he says to the children, making them nod. He lets Asher back down onto the floor and lets go of Liyah's hand before they go running off towards the climbing frames.

James had a way with the children. He was the fun one, the one who was never hated on. he let the children do whatever they wanted as long as they stayed safe and even though he had his over-protective moments, he let them have a lot more freedom compared to me.
With me, it's yes or no, cries or laughs, hugs or sulks. They say they love me one minute and then they hate me the next. Lord knows where I'd be without James there to balance me out.

He takes a seat next to me on the bench before placing his hand on my thigh, making me turn my head around to look at him.
"You alright?" he asks softly. I sigh, nodding my head before looking down at where his hand lay. I swallow and move my hand to rest on top of his before giving it a light squeeze, like usual, and then licking my lower lip. "Can we talk when we get home?" he asks me gently, making me bite my lip instead. I knew it was coming, I just wish it wasn't so soon.

"Can we maybe drop the kids with Piper first? I need some time to think and there's a lot I need to tell you," I say to him, my lips moving quicker than my brain. As much as my head was telling me not to get James involved in this just yet, my heart knew I had to. It would be foolish to try keeping this from him for much longer.
"Sure thing," he tells me, before reaching forward to press his lips against mine, then I sigh and rest my head on his shoulder.

Tell me I'm doing the right thing.