One String Attached

96.

.Riley.

A break. It was a lot more easier said than done. James and I had experienced many breaks between us in the past. But this one felt different. This one wasn't childish, it felt real. Like a break up. But we were still married.
I don't know what I would call it but I know that it's hard and I hate it despite the fact I was the one who suggested it. 

Nathan and Grace had booked tickets to a theme park for us to take the children to for the day but although it was enough to make the kids a little bit happier, James and I were the complete opposite.

We hadn't spoken about our conversation last night at all.
I hadn't spoken to anyone about it and I doubt he had either. It was something we were keeping to ourselves for the better. If I could, I would try to make it work. But not straight away. 

James and Nathan were currently both about to go down the waterslide with Asher, Aaliyah and Madison but Grace and I sat at one of the tables of the dining area with Autumn in her stroller in front of me.
For once, she wasn't crying. Instead she was babbling away to herself, blowing raspberries whenever someone walked past. I think it was her way of calling for attention since she was only just learning how to wave. 

"We haven't met up in a while," Grace tells me when she crosses one of her legs over the other.
Her voice brings me to look up at her, away from my daughter. "I mean you, James, Nathan and I. We used to go on double dates all the time when we would leave the kids with Deb and Robert. We haven't had a night out like that in a long time." 

"Oh, uh, yeah. It has been a while."
I look down at my wedding ring and I sigh, closing my hand into a fist so the jewel didn't shine as bright. I did miss those times. Sometimes I missed them more than anything. But now wasn't the time to have a night out like that. 

"Why don't we go out tonight? There's supposed to be a new club opening in the city. we can go and try it out." 

Looking at her, her eyes were filled with sweet innocence. She didn't know anything about James and I. Nathan hadn't filled her in on what he and Piper knew.
Either that or she did know and she was trying to help but bringing us all together. But I could barely stand being in the same room as James, let alone spending the evening with him pretending everything was perfect and we were the happiest couple when we so clearly weren't.

Even a six-month-old can detect it.

"Grace... I would but I can't. I really can't. I'm sorry." 

She hesitates, looking over me as if there was a sign on my body or face that would explain my response. She could tell something was up but she didn't know what, and I just didn't feel like telling her.

I didn't want to talk to anyone about this because I don't want it to seem like my marriage is failing and crumbling. I don't want it to seem like I have problems.
I don't want people to know my husband couldn't trust me enough to confide in me so he turned to cheating instead. I don't want people to know how much he hurt and betrayed me.

I don't want their sympathy but I also don't want them to turn their backs on James either. His actions are somewhat reasonable. But not enough for me to forgive him. As much as I want to, I can't.
I can't be the doormat again. I was that person with Bryson and it led to me breaking. I can't break again. If that means having to put a wall up then so be it. James did it to me for months on end because he was scared of losing me, so why can't I do the same to him? 

"What's wrong, Ri? What's happened because I know something has," Grace continues.

"Nothing," I respond bluntly. "It's nothing, okay? I'm fine, I've just been busy lately. Nationals is so soon and I need to sort out paperwork for that then with Bryson's case, it's stressing me out even more. I was in hospital only a couple of days ago. I can't go out tonight, Grace. I'm sorry."
I didn't look her in the eye I spoke so she knew I was lying. Everyone in that family knew me as much as I knew them. 

She knows I'm lying to her but she doesn't dig into it. Instead she takes her phone out and records the scene when its our husbands and kids turns to go down the water slide.
I clear my throat and look in the same direction. Asher sat himself on top of his father's lap and Madison sat between her father's legs with Aaliyah positioned in front of her. 

Grace captures the perfect picture of the five of them when they slide down in a fit of giggles before trodding over towards us in their swim suits, dripping with water.

I roll my eyes playfully when they approach us and I reach into the bottom of the stroller to take out three towels, passing each one to Asher, Aaliyah and James while Grace does the same with her husband and child.
"That was so fun," Aaliyah laughs along with her cousin, making me smile softly, happy to see her mood had shifted, even if it was to only last for the day. 

James dries himself down before folding the towel into quarters again, placing it back where it once was. 

As he leans down, he gains Autumn's attention and she giggles at the sight of him, kicking her arms and legs around. He smiles at her and tickles her cheek softly, making her babble again.
"Hey, munchkin," he sweet talks her as he wraps his pinkie around hers. 

I look at him daintily, watching him as he gently attends our daughter. I think that was one of his best qualities. His friendliness and the fact that even though things between us aren't okay it doesn't stop him from being the best father he can be.
I was being harsh yesterday when I almost called him an indecent father. He's the complete opposite of what I said he was last night. 

"You should have gone on it with us too, Mummy," Asher says to me as he heads over and clambers onto my lap.

I chuckle, wrapping my arms firmly around his waist as I held him close to me. "I'll go on the next one with you, Ash," I say as I kiss the top of his earlobe, stroking his soaked hair back to stop it from dripping.
"Okay," he says excitedly. "Can we go on it with Daddy too?" 

I look at James who looks at us at the sound of his name being called, then I force a smile.
"Yeah," I mumble. "Of course we can." 

I get up when Grace and Nathan begin to make a move in the direction of whatever ride the kids wanted to go on next but when I stand on my feet after Asher had jumped off my lap, the same pain finds its way up to my chest. I stop moving for a moment, breathing in as I waited for it to pass.
The doctors had said that if I don't get enough rest the pains would become more frequent, but they couldn't have expected me to just stay home for two weeks straight. 

"Hey, you okay?" James asks, looking back at me. He reaches his arm out to me but drops it midway when he realises we weren't actually talking to each other just yet.
I look at him and nod, crossing my arms over my chest. "I'm fine," I mumble. 

He rolls his eyes, shaking his head before he made his way over and took over from me to push the stroller Autumn was in while Asher ran off to catch up with his older sister.
"You can stop pretending, Riley. I get it, okay? But just try to at least be a little real with me, please," he says. 

I close my eyes, shaking my head and saying nothing in response. I had nothing more to say, so he continues walking.