One String Attached

90.

.Riley.

Asher and Aaliyah were staying over at Em's for the night after refusing to go home with James and I, so we left them there for the rest of the evening while we went home with Autumn.
I had bottle fed her so she wasn't feeling as upset so as to start crying. 

I left the kitchen and entered the lounge where I found James sat on the couch, monotonously watching TV.
He was listening to the characters on the screen but I doubt he was actually absorbing anything, otherwise he would have had a smile on his face considering this was one of his favourite series.

Sighing, I walk over to him and sit by his side, holding Autumn firmly on my hip before positioning her on top of my lap after sitting down. She instantly sees her dad and then smiles widely, resisting my grip to crawl over to him.
He pulls his eyes away from the TV in front of us and then smiles, placing his hands on either side of her hips before lifting her up and down in the air, causing her to giggle. 

I smile at them both and then turn my body in towards him before placing my knees together and playing around with my hands, keeping my eyes fixed on Autumn.
It was true to say she was a source of comfort. She distracts you from the seriousness of the conversation you're having. 

"Can we talk?" I whisper, making him turn his head around to face me.
He settles and positions Autumn down subtly on his lap, stroking her back up and down to keep her happy with the attention she had been craving. 

He nods at me with a small smile on his face, but even I couldn't tell if it was genuine or not. "Yeah, what's up?" he asks, to which I shake my head, closing my eyes shut.
He knew what was up. He knew exactly what was going through my brain because he was most likely thinking the same thing as me. So why was he pretending? 

"That's what I've been meaning to ask you," I say to him softly, reopening my eyes for them to circle around his own.

He raises an eyebrow but he couldn't hide away from me. I knew him like a book and I knew he knew exactly what I was talking about.
"Just talk to me, James. Tell me what's going on," I say to him, but he sighs and shakes his head, leaning forwards as he cups Autumn's head before pulling her crib forwards to place her carefully inside, avoiding eye contact with me. 

"It's nothing, Ri. I'm fine," he mumbles, kissing his daughter's forehead before leaning back again to look at me.

I was expecting Autumn to have started crying or to protest against having to lay down, but she makes no noises at all and instead remains comfortable with the rest of her cuddlies in her cradle. 

I keep my eyes on him before shuffling closer, moving my hands to his knees. "James, be real with me," I mutter. "Please, okay? I know this isn't easy on either of us, especially you. I know you're struggling but the more we try to walk over eggshells with each other the more it's going to hurt. Just talk to me and tell me how you're feeling and what's going on in that head of yours-" 

"Riley, no," he says, moving his hand to place down on top of mine. "Not now in front of Autumn, okay."
He reaches closer and pecks my forehead before standing up to walk around the room aimlessly.

I look down at my daughter whose eyes weren't even focused on either James or I. She was far too absorbed in the bunny rabbit of hers so I knew for a fact James was procrastinating on talking to me, which was ironic considering he seemed to have a whole speech about communication earlier today when we were at my sister's. 

"James, she's a baby. She doesn't understand these sorts of things," I argue back before he rolls his eyes and scoffs. 

"Yeah, that explains why she was diagnosed with baby depression when she was first born," he spits back. 

As soon as he says that, I freeze and inhale, holding my breath.
His words hurt but I couldn't let him see that. It would have only led to us digging a deeper hole for each other and that was the last thing either of us needed with everything happening already. 

He rests his hands on the back of the sofa, steadying himself as he digested the sound of what had just left his lips before shaking his head in instant regret.
But that didn't mean I could forgive him just like that. 

He knew how much I was struggling. He knew how hard my pregnancy with Autumn was. He knew how badly I had and still am blaming myself for everything going on with all three of our children.
So why would he say that? Is he suffering that much that he can't even think of the things he's saying to his own wife? 

"Ri..." he whispers, raising his head to look up at me. 

I look back at him with a raised eyebrow. I didn't want to say anything right now. Even if I did want to, I wouldn't have been able to. I couldn't.
I couldn't stop looking at Autumn and connecting his words to her.
What if she hates me when she's older? What if I find a way to ruin my relationship with her?

I wouldn't blame James if he completely hates me for my actions. I'm a problem and I always have been.
Had it not been for my children being in the midst of the situation, I would have never won that court case against Bryson. I haven't even won yet but I know we have a stronger chance of winning than he does. 

Just as my eyes fall onto James's, he shakes his head vigorously and rushes over to me before pressing his lips against mine, like a simple kiss would take everything away. As if nothing ever happened.
We were a perfect family of five and we had no problems. We were picture perfect again, like we once were. 

But not even a kiss as sweet, soft and passionate as the ones James and I share will be able to fix this. Nothing will.
Especially not when I feel a light, wet tear brush down my nose after falling out of James's eyes.
Our kiss was long but when he finally pulls away to breathe, the only words that leave his lips is an apology. 

"I'm sorry," he whispers, his eyes swelling. "I'm so, so sorry."
His voice is a struggle and his tone is rough. He's cupping my cheeks with the warmth of his hands and he continues talking, mumbling against my lips. "Leave me. Hate me. Punch me, Riley. I don't care, just do it. I screwed up. I'm sorry. I really, really am." 

I shut my eyes before slowly pulling away from him. He continues crying in front of his daughter and that's when she grows curious and saddened too. 

I move my hands to his cheeks, stroking my thumb over his skin gently to calm him down because I couldn't keep up. He was crumbling, and I could see it.
"What do you mean, James? There's nothing to be sorry for," I say, but he sniffles and shakes his head, placing his hand on top of mine. 

"There is, Ri. It's all my fault. I'm sorry." 

I look at him with just as much confusion, trying to reach some level of understanding. 

He wasn't the type of person to get himself all worked up. He didn't cry. He didn't break and fall and crumble. This must be something a lot more dire than I originally thought. 

He sighs and closes his eyes, resting his forehead against mine. "It was Whitney," he whispers.
I take in those three words, still confused. "It was her, Ri. I'm so, so sorry. It was her," he continues. 

I blink several times, absorbing that information before it hits.

It was her...

Whitney...

I stare at him before instantly shaking my head, letting go of him and pulling away. 

"I'm sorry," I whisper. "I- I can't, James. Not now."
I stand up and begin to back away from him before turning around and running up the steps in the direction of our room. I knew what he had done but I forgave him for it. 

But now he's telling me it was her...? Of all people...?