One String Attached

93.

.Riley.

When I'd been discharged from the hospital later that afternoon, we returned home after James had bribed me into getting some rest despite the fact all I wanted to do was go on a walk with my daughter and talk to her whilst getting some fresh air, finally able to breathe for once. 

When we get in, James places Autumn down in her cradle in the lounge after she had fallen asleep on his chest.
Asher instantly ran over to the sofa and James set the cradle in front of him, allowing him to look down at his younger sister. He moved his hand to link together with hers and although she moves a little when her nose twitches, she only seems to settle more with the comfort of her brother's touch.

It was cute to see how enthralled Asher was by Autumn's presence. He always wanted to be around her and was always concerned about her and what she was doing.

I smile warmly at the two of them before glancing up again for my eyes to meet James.
He looks at me, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his jacket. "Do you want me to cook tonight or shall we get a take-out?" he asks.

It was strange seeing him acting so normal. I knew for a fact we needed to talk just as much as I needed to talk to Aaliyah but I was currently dreading any conversation with him because I was still confused as to what exactly I wanted.

I knew I definitely didn't want a divorce or a separation. But I couldn't just let it slide. I would have vied for a short-term break but most couples tend to do that and end up separating in the end.
That's the last thing I want to do. Not just because of the effect it will have on the kids but because of the effects it will have on both James and I overall.

I love him. But I can't keep having us dance an endless cycle of toxicity and infidelity. What would we be teaching our children? That to love someone means betraying them only for the other to forgive them straight away? 

"It's up to you," I mumble. "I'm not eating tonight."
"Ri-" he warns but I cut him off with the shake of my head.
"I'm not hungry," I mutter. "I'll just have a sandwich or something." 

The truth was that I was hungry, but eating a proper meal would mean sitting at the table and pretending to be happy but that was something I just couldn't commit to. Not yet. 

"Liyah," I call out to her before she has the chance to walk upstairs and hide away in her bedroom, also distracting myself from the conversation with James so he didn't continue questioning me.
She turns her head around to look at me and I offer her a small smile - the only genuine one I had mustered today. "I think we should talk, sweetheart. Let's just go outside for a few minutes, okay? Please, baby," I say to her. 

She looks at me, and then steals a quick glance at her dad, before looking back to me again.
She nods slowly and I breathe in, glad to see her finally accepting something after so many tries. She walks back down the stairs and begins to make her way outside. 

"Be gentle with her, Ri," he tells me, to which I nod. I knew how to handle my daughter. If anything, she was a lot like me when I was younger. "If you need me come and get me, okay," he says.
I look at him thankfully before following my daughter outside. She had sat herself down on the patio and so I sit beside her. 

It was getting pretty cold now that it was reaching winter, but I'm sure that was the least of her concerns.
I look over her, I think about how much she had changed from being that little six-year-old who was curious about everything into an eight-year-old who was beginning to shut herself away from everyone. She's following my path, and that's the last thing I want to happen. 

"What's wrong, Li? Talk to me, lovely," I whisper as I wrap an arm around her body, pulling her close to me.
I pet the back of her head, softly stroking my hand through her hair as she rested her head against my chest. 

"You were in hospital because of me," she whispers, looking straight out into the sky, completely avoiding my gaze. "I've done so much wrong and it's hurting everyone. It's hurting you, Asher, Autumn, Dad... Everyone. I don't even know who to call a dad anymore," she mumbles, turning her head into my side. 

She didn't know about the whole DNA test just yet. To her, this was still as much of a confusing process as it was six months ago.
I was still confused myself. But if anything, it's out of my doing. I'm the one who confused my life along with everyone else who has ever been attached to me. I messed it up for us all, the day I first encountered Bryson. It wasn't Aaliyah. It was all me. 

"Autumn's always sad because of what happened with me. You were put in hospital because of me. James is always upset because of me. Asher's always confused, Auntie Em is always stressed."

"Hey," I cut her off. I bring her head to my lips, kissing her hairline as I continue to stroke her hair. "None of this is your fault, Liyah. I promise you. None of this is because of you." 

She continues to stare ahead of her so I rotate my body around and cup her cheeks, holding her face firmly in the palms of my hands, getting her to look directly at me.
"Autumn isn't always sad. She just has a thing called baby depression. That doesn't mean she's depressed, angel. It just means she won't be as attached to her mother as a normal baby would which is why your dad has to step in as much as he does," I say, citing James, giving her the look so she knew exactly which dad I was talking about. 

"He isn't always upset because of you. The problem with James is to do with something completely different, darling. Asher is completely fine, he's just curious about his surroundings, and Auntie Em isn't stressed because of you either. You didn't put me in hospital, sweetie. I got myself there because I wasn't taking care of myself and I will take all of the blame for my actions. I'm still recovering from giving birth to your sister." 

She softens, looking away for a second.
I sigh, removing my hand from her cheek to hug her tightly instead so she was practically sprawled across my lap. 

"I just want my Mummy and Daddy back," she mumbles, making me close my eyes tightly as I process her words. 

I don't know when things got so complicated and difficult but I wish I could take it all back.
I wish Bryson never got involved in our lives again. I wish I had taken care of myself properly the way I should have. I wish I had never been in such a state so as to push James into thinking he had to cheat to find contentment.
I wish I made better choices so we would have better consequences of those actions as a family.

"You're getting us back, Aaliyah. You're not going to lose us," I tell her, kissing her head once again. 

She closes her eyes shut and shakes her head against me. "Are you and James going to be okay?" she asks softly.
My breath hitches as I open my eyes, resting my head above hers. "Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't we be?" 

"I saw the picture," she tells me lightly. "Bryson showed me. That's why he's so upset all the time, isn't it? Because he kissed someone else and he didn't tell you?"

I really wish we could go back in time to when Aaliyah would believe anything I told her. To when she wouldn't open her eyes to anything at all.
But lately she's become so observant, I'm not even sure if she's only an eight-year-old anymore. 

I don't respond to her comment because I didn't know how to. But I'm sure my response was enough of an answer to her as it would have been had I replied verbally. 

"This is why I don't talk to you sometimes," she says, pulling away from me and escaping my grasp all of a sudden.
I raise my head and look at her, fragments of tears filling my face. "Aaliyah-" I try to assure her but she wasn't having it. 

"You never tell me anything! All you ever do is lie to me over and over again, just like Bryson said!" she yells.
"Aaliyah, please, just-" 

It was no use. She had stormed back inside and ran straight up the stairs.
James's eyes instantly navigate towards me and he frowns with the saddest of expressions on his face. 

I was trying. I really was. But what else could I do? 

Nathan was right when he said James and I would have to have a united front throughout this entire thing.
Otherwise who knows what bullets will be shot each day and night...
Who knows how many strings will break in the course of only a short period of time...?