One String Attached

74.

.Riley.

"I'll do it, Ri," Nathan tells me as the two of us sat at the local café by the park.
James had taken Autumn for a walk and Asher had tagged along with them both, but Aaliyah stayed with me. She was currently playing with her cousin, Madi, on the swings in the playground whilst Grace watched over them both. "You need a lawyer? You've got one," he tells me, making me breathe out in relief.

"You know what that means, don't you?" I ask him, twiddling my wedding ring around my finger.
He sends me a reassuring smile and nods, placing his hands on top of mine to stop me from fidgeting.

"Don't worry, Ri. I've been doing this for the past decade now. Bryson isn't going to win this, okay," he says, making me look up at him with a nimble nod as I sigh. "Based off of previous cases, I'm going to say you'll need at least three statements to corroborate your side. Bryson will probably gather his own statements from other people too," he tells me, making me shiver slightly.

I had no idea who Bryson might ask to take his side. There were several people from University who knew all about my toxic relationship with him and several others who knew about all that had happened between James and I, not to mention Bryson's friends from college.
I didn't want to even begin to think about the chances of losing this case, but I couldn't be sure. I just had to try and remain positive as best I could.

"Grace can give a statement, can't she?" I question, to which he nods his head. "And I'll get Emily and Piper to do one too."
"Sounds good to me," he replies softly. "Aaliyah can also either give her statement on the stand or she can talk to the judge in private with Emily whilst they record the conversation?" he asks me, to which I sigh.

Looking over in the direction that my daughter was playing in, I shake my head to myself before sighing. The last thing I wanted to do was put an unneeded amount of pressure on her for her to carry on the weight of her shoulders.
"The recording is a better option," I whisper. "I can't have her stand in front of both James and I as well as Bryson. She needs to speak the truth but she won't be able to do that with all of our eyes on her," I tell him.

He slowly nods in understanding and then looks over to his niece and daughter who were out playing in the distance.
She was laughing as her aunt pushed her up and down on the swings and every time the wind breezes past her and her hair sways in the air, she giggles, a wide smile building onto her face.

I wish I could see that smile everyday. I wish making her smile was as easy as it sounded. I wish she was never put in this position in the first place and I can't help but wish she had a better mother than me...
Everyone can try telling me that I'm perfect, that I'm doing the best I can and that my children love me to pieces. They can love me, sure, but how can a shitty mess like me ever be perfect?

Nathan takes a sip of his coffee and Grace smiles over at us, giving a small wave before leaving the girls to head on over. She slides onto the chair next to her husband's and he wraps his arm around both of her shoulders before sending me a light smile.
"Hey, Ri, you okay?" she asks me, to which I shrug my shoulders, biting my lip.

"As good as I can be, I guess," I whisper beneath my breath but it was loud enough for the pair of them to hear and catch onto what I had said. They both share a small glance with each other before sighing.
"You're thinking about Bryson, aren't you?" he says, but just the brutal sound of his name was enough to drive me insane.

It was the one name I didn't want to hear but the only name I had constantly heard this entire year.
Two years ago and things were completely different. There was no Bryson. There wasn't any confusion. The kids only had one dad and there were hardly any complications. I may have relapsed back into the same level of psychosis but it didn't take long for me to bounce back up again.

Now everything is so complicated and I desperately want it to come to an end. It's the one thing I want more than absolutely anything but I know that even after this court case comes to a close, it won't be the end. He will still always have that attachment to Aaliyah. To me. 
He's always going to be a porn in our game of chess and no matter how many steps back he might take, he'll find another tactic to take over me.

What was once just one string between James and I slowly grew to two when Aaliyah came in and then so did Asher and before I knew it, Bryson hopped into the equation to. Autumn might be the sixth but Bryson will always be the fifth string attached in our biological family and there's no getting rid of him.
He wasn't present in the beginning of the pregnancy but the second he found out I was doing well, that was when he decided to get involved and ruin everything.

I can't leave the children for five minutes without having the compulsive instinct to check up on them. I can't sleep without hearing Asher's gentle snores or Aaliyah's movements around in her bed. I can't go out without the kids being on my mind. I can't hold Autumn in my arms without picturing Aaliyah as a baby, back when I was so young and new to this whole mothering experience.

I can't even look in the mirror at my own reflection without wanting the glass to shatter into thousands of pieces.

Everyone constantly just assumes I'm okay, that I'm doing fine since I never cry out for help. They think I'm managing, that I'm coping and that I have everything planned out.

But they don't know about the nightmares I suffer from, the thought of Bryson suddenly setting his hands on one of the children. It's scary and daunting enough being a mother alone, constantly fearing the unknown, but it's so much worse when you have a psychotic ex, who isn't even a true ex, but is instantly attempting to kidnap your babies.

"Riley?" I hear Nathan whisper to me as I had zoned out. I look up at him but could hardly focus, everything seemed to be a blur. My thoughts were clouded with thoughts - surrounded by negative messages whirring around in my brain.

I thought of Bryson's text messages, his voice and all the things he used to say to me.
I thought of his slaps.
His punishments.
The way he touched me.

I think of his hands touching Aaliyah.
Him snatching Asher out of the cot at 3 a.m.
Him showing up at the front door in another obscure attempt of kidnap.
Him leaving bruises on Aaliyah's skin and making her think it was tattoos.

"I can't," I whisper, my voice tight and heavy. I look around me, trying to steady myself but this hadn't happened in so long and I had forgotten how to control it.
James wasn't around and Nathan and Grace just stare at me, completely unsure as to what was happening when my breathing grows all the more rapid. "I... I can't breathe," I gasp, trying to catch a breath of fresh air, but it just wasn't happening.

Nathan looks around before quickly getting up from his wife's side to sit beside me, placing one hand on my knee whilst brushing my arm gently.
"It's okay," he whispers, trying to calm me down but there was only one person who could do that...

I close my eyes, trying to calm myself down as tears begin to stream down my face, pouring out of my eyes and down my cheeks. 
Just a second later, my ears are met with the one voice I needed to hear right now.

"Ri," he says, before I listen to his footsteps as he rushes over. I open my eyes and look around, everything still a blur but I manage to set my eyes on my son and five-month old daughter. James and Nathan switch seats and I cuddle up to my husband's side as he presses kisses to my forehead, pulling me into him and giving me light strokes on each of my arms.

"I can't do this..." I exhale, breathing out a heavy breath but he sighs and wipes my tears away with the brush of his thumb. 

I remained shaking, my knees and feet tapping against the ground. We had managed to gather a whole lot of attention from the crowd around us but James didn't seem to care less.
He nodded to his brother and sister-in-law who shortly got up to contend with the kids, whilst James comforted me in the way he always knew how to.

"I've got you, babe," he whispers into my ear. "I'm here... You'll be okay."
He places his hand on my thigh lightly, bringing me down so that my head leant against his chest which slowly begins to make my breathing slow down to return to its normal pace.

"We'll be okay, I promise," he continues, kissing my shoulder.
I sigh and take his hands into mine, closing my eyes and listening to his heartbeats beneath his sweater.