One String Attached

92.

.Riley.

I completely blacked out when I had been allocated to a hospital room.
All I could hear were the words palpitations, stress, dehydration, premature, anxiety, baby, alcohol. 

James's hand was on my thigh but I just wish he would remove it. The longer he keeps his hand there, the more I'll want to forgive him and continue loving him and continue being with him but I just can't let him off that easily this time. 

"She doesn't drink," he tells the doctor when I couldn't find it in me to say anything. I hadn't even processed her question. "She hasn't drunk alcohol since giving birth to our last born."
The doctor turns his head to look at me for confirmation and I nod. 

I wasn't sure what the time was. I wasn't sure if it was the same day or the next, if I had been awake the whole time or if I had passed out. I wasn't sure of anything but I could remember everything.
I could remember James crying when he told me it was Whitney. Kissing me to beg for forgiveness. Listening to him talking to me in bed with my back to him. Rushing to the car because I couldn't breathe. 

The doctor goes onto saying a few more things but I didn't bother listening. I knew James was taking note of every single word but the last thing I hear him say is "Reduced physical activity, lots of bed rest," before he gets up and exits the room, leaving James and I to sit alone in silence.

Great. Bed rest is the last thing I need.
Nationals was supposed to be in only a number of days. There was no time for bed rest. I have three children to look after. 

"Don't even think about it," James mumbles when he allows his eyes to meet mine.
He remains sat in the chair by my bedside with his hand kept down where it was. "It was doctor's orders, Riley." 

I would have protested but I barely had the strength to roll my eyes, let alone speak against him. I don't respond but I look around the room in search of a clock.
I was surrounded by four walls and nothing else. I was in this hospital so often now it felt like my second home. But it wasn't much of a home, it was more of a prison. 

"What time is it?" I mumble. I don't look at him.
I keep my gaze fixed on what was below my eyes, fiddling with my fingers and picking at the ends of my nails. 

James sighs, shaking his head. "It's late, Ri. Please, just get some rest, okay?" he says, making me sigh. I had enough strength in me to at least do that. 

Resting for me wasn't as easy as it was for him. He could lay down anywhere and fall asleep straight away with no worries.
But it was the complete opposite for me. I was always thinking. My mind never turned off. Even when I was sleeping, it was never deep or heavy. I could wake up at just the sound of a hand movement. 

That's what happens when you become a mother. You never fully switch off. Your children consume your entire being and your senses are switched on alert like an alarm.
I can't just decide to turn off and rest. There's always going to be something on my mind, especially since I'm only just now beginning to process the court case with Bryson. 

I roll over onto my side the way I had done in the bedroom and it causes James to have to remove his hand and keep it to himself.
I rest my head against the pillow but I don't close my eyes. No matter how hard I tried, I wouldn't be able to sleep. I just wouldn't. 

"I'll go and call Emily to make sure the kids are okay," he says as I listened to the repetitive tapping of his feet against the ground.

I swallow, watching when he stands up and walks around the bed to make his way towards the door. Before he has the chance to open it, I allow my eyes to drift towards him and I bite my lip.
"James," I whisper. 

He turns around to look at me and I sigh. I hated how much I loved his eyes sometimes. Because no matter how angry or mad or upset I am with him, they're the one thing that remind me of how in love I am with him. 

I close my eyes to avoid his gaze and I finish my sentence. "Don't go," I mumble. "Stay. Please..."

I could see his small smile just from the sound of his voice. "I wasn't going anywhere," he says back. "I'm just making a quick phone call and I'll be right back. I promise." 

I nod and watch him walk out only for his back to lean against the window of the room when he steps outside and whips his phone out.
I know he said he was calling to check in with Emily but part of me has this suspicious conscience that he might be texting Whitney. Who's to say they weren't still talking? 

I know I forgave him for his infidelity months ago but just knowing it was her has made this whole thing so much worse.
I know he did the right thing by telling me before I found out from someone else but then again, it wasn't him I found out from originally. It was Bryson. And he told me in the most brutal way possible on the day Autumn was born. 

We've been through this before but that doesn't make this any easier. I know I've done worse. I know I ruined it all when I allowed Bryson to take advantage of me. I know it hasn't been easy for James and I know he's been the best father and husband he can be. But he's human too.

I just never expected him to do this to me again after everything. Especially not during times like these.

. . .

"Mummy!" Asher squeals excitedly when he enters the hospital room the following morning, letting go of his father's hand.
Aaliyah remained stood next to James while he held Autumn on his hip. 

I instantly put a smile on my face for the purpose of the kids and when my son runs over to me, I lean down to place my hand on his hips, lifting him up to sit beside me on the bed.
"You okay, bubba?" I ask him, kissing his cheek softly. 

He smiles and laughs, curling up by my side with his head resting against my chest while I stroked through his hair which was in dire need of a haircut at this point.
James stands out of the way near the wall, adjusting Autumn on his side in spite of her stretching her arm's out in my direction, yearning for my touch. 

I look at her and then at James. We may be having problems of our own but it wasn't hard for us to read each other's minds.
Both Asher and Aaliyah were excited to see me. The only person who wasn't was Aaliyah. She looked petrified... 

"Liyah, darling, go and talk to Mummy," James pushes her. 

She looks at me and for the first time ever, she looked different. She didn't look the same at all. It was as if she had grown entirely. The look on her face was harsher than usual, her expression had stiffened.
I could barely recognise her and I'm sure she could barely recognise me either.

"No," she mumbles, folding her arms over her chest. "I don't want to," she mutters before turning around and running out of the room to go and sit outside. Asher raises his head and looks at me in confusion. 

I look straight at James who just shakes his head, walking over to sit down on the chair, placing Autumn gently on his lap. "I'll talk to her," he says. 

I shake my head back at him, keeping my arm wrapped around Asher.
"No," I bite back. "I will. She needs to see her mother for once. I've been nothing but absent this entire year," I tell him. 

He doesn't say anything back but I knew he agreed with me deep down. With everything going on around Aaliyah, I'd forgotten to actually get through to her in the process of it all.
She needs me to find her again and I'll do everything I can to reach her. She's my baby girl.