dead poets society oneshots

i'm a mess, but i'm the mess that you wanted

Todd hated himself. He always had since he could remeber. He hated the way he looked, the way he talked, the way he acted. everything about him made him want to hide somehwere and never come out again. As a little kid, his parents had always told him that what ever he felt was dumb, that the things he liked were dumb and childish, just as the things he got upset about and it really got to Todd. He didn't talk about anything anymore and just started living in his own mind. But things started changing for Todd once he had met his best friend. At around 16 years Todd transferred to Welton Academy, where he shared a room with the best person he evwr talked to. Neil perry was the exact opposite of him and yet they were similar in everything. He really listend to Todd, he cared about his thoughts, was patient with him and didn't think his ideas and belives were stupid or silly. Neil cared about him like noone ever had and he was the best friend one could wish for, which made it incredibly hard for Todd to not talk to him. A few weeks ago, after one of the weekly dead poets meetings they had spent the rest of the night sitting on Neil's bed just chatting. Neither of them were really tired yet so they had just sat there and talked about anything.
"Still can't belive Charlie actually kissed that girl.", Neil laughed lightly and shook his head.

Todd chuckled. He still didn't exaclty figure Charlie out. He was loud and extroverted and very open about everything. It always made Todd stress.

"Would you ever?" He frowned in confusion.

"Ever what?"

"You know...kiss a girl?" Neil seemed to be genuinely nervous and looked at Todd, his cheeks pink.

"Oh. I dont know, i guess someday i will have to dont i?"

"Do you know how to do it?" Todd was not sure where this conversation was going and with every second Neil seemd to be getting more and more tense.

"No. You know i don't have any experience." Neil bit the inside of his cheek and looked Todd straight in the eyes.

"Would you...would you want to try it. You know, so you have practice for your future girlfriend." he smirked slightly and Todd felt his breath stop for a moment. Kissing Neil, he never knew it was something he wanted to try out so bad. Neil's lips looked soft and perfect and Todd would've risked it all to be able to experience feeling them on his own lips. His moth went dry and his eyes kept flickering between Neil's eyes and lips.

"yeah." he said breathy. With a shy smile, Neil leaned forward.

"What do i do with my hands?" Todd felt stupid for asking, but he knew Neil wouldn't judge him, ever. Instead of answering he just carfully held one of Todds hand with his and put the other on Todd's cheek.

"Don't worry about it.", He leaned in even closer and Todd's heart was racing, "Close your eyes." Todd did as he was told. He felt Neil's warm breath on his face and a funny feeling appeard in his stomach.

"You look so pretty right now." Neil whispered and in the next moment, he was kissing Todd. Soflty and careful at first, not being to bold with his best friend but as the kiss went on, Todd started to kiss back. He moved his free hand to Neil's neck and pulled him closer. He didn't think about what he was doing, what was happening between them and what it ment for their firendship and just in general for Todd's life. All that matterd was Neil's lips on his, his hands moving under his shirt and the butterflies in his stomach. Neil pulled back for a second trying to take a breath.

"Wow." he laughed. He looked genuinely happy and his cheeks had a bright red color. But Todd, didn't feel all that great. His stomach started cramping painfully. He kissed Neil. He kissed Neil perry, his best friend, his roomate, a boy. He couldn't help but panic. Neil was supposed to make him happy and feel good and not bring the incredible self-hatred back.