dead poets society oneshots

Can't remember what I used to fight for

tw: abuse, mentions of suicide

The things Neil Perry knew about himself, where shockingly few compared to the things he didn't know. He had for example, no idea who he actually was. He had no idea what he wanted to do with his life, he had no idea where he would be when he was older or if he would even get there, he had no idea what he had done wrong that his father seemd to hate him so goddamm much, he didn't know why he had punched him so hard, he crashed against a cupboard when he causally and more accidentally mentioned that he had held Todd's hand to help him get through a panic attack. He did get though, that it was for the best to hide it and not tell anyone. Not even his friends. Hide the bruise on his ribcage and his arm and his knee the best he could and lie when Charlie asked why he flinched when someone made any sudden, unexpected movements. Neil wasn't the best liar but good enough so no one suspected anything for a long time.
But not even the best liar in the world could've hidden a cut right under the eye after being pushed into a table, kicking down a vase and falling right onto a splitter. Neil prayed no one would notice or at least not ask about it, but natrually everyone did and he might have convinced Knox or Cameron with his story of being scratched by a little cousin in a playful fight, but especially Todd didn't let it go.
After dinner, when Neil and him were back in their room, filling their closets back up after the holidays, he dropped himself onto Neil's bed so he could properly look at him while Neil was still in his closet.

"What happend to your eye?"

"What do you mean?",Neil let out a nervous cuckle, "I told you, my little cousin scratched me."

"Yeah, I heard that. You know, you can trust me, Neil, right?" Neil's head dropped slightly. He knew what Todd was implying.
For a moment, he wanted to tell him. He wanted Todd to hug him and tell him that everything would turn out fine and that he wouldn't have to ever go back to his home. But Todd couldn't give him that and it was selfish to expect him to do anything. It was not like he could help.

"Yeah, I know. There's nothing more to it." He chuckled again, closing the door of his closet and put his empty suitcase away.

"Alright. If there is anything you want to tell me though-"

"Yes, I know Todd." Neil said, perhaps a bit harsh.

They just went to bed that night and Todd didn't dare to mention anything again and until the winter break, everything was going great. Neil was happier again, he didn't have to see his father and got to hang out with his friends alot again. Especially Todd. He had missed him over the summer break and he could've literally spent every single minute with him. With todd everything was just so quite and calm and he made Neil feel at peace when everything else was going too fast for his taste. It was just simply great again.

Until Christmas.
Neil had to go home again and his parents wanted to throw this big party that he really didn't feel like going to. Todd and him had originally planned on spending Christmas together, but then Neil had gotten a B on a test so that didn't work out and his father changed his mind on the whole thing. He was miserable to be honest. He had gotten barley any sleep the night before and his mom woke him up at 6 am already on Christmas morning. He was told to dress up as quickly as possible and that there was no time for breakfast before church so he'd have to wait till lunch, except that didn't work either since they spent the whole rest day after church preparing for the big party. Neil just strolled around the house, trying not to get in the way and sneek of into his room to call Todd.
He had promised to do so, since they wouldn't be seeing eachother now and once his father was gone to buy more decorations and his mother was of cooking in the kitchen Neil saw his chance.
His heart beating fast and stomach filled with excited butterflies, he dialed Todd's number. He couldn't stop a smile from spreading across his red cheecks.
It took a little while till someone picked up, who was not Todd.