dead poets society oneshots

don't want no other shade of blue but you

It should've been a joyful occasion. Meeks would finally be the first of their little group to get married and Neil knew he was supposed to be happy about it but he couldn't. He couldn't help but feel a gut wretching jealousy inside of him whenever they'd talk about this so natrual thing. Whether it was their engagement or Isela meeting the parents for the first time, or when Meeks had asked Pitts to be his best man, Neil could've cried everytime since he and his boyfriend could never experience this. Neil would never get to propose to Todd, he never got to introduce him to his parents who had cut him off the moment they found out about Todd, he would never be able to make Charlie his best man.
And that was why, Neil woke up feeling awfully down the morning of the wedding. Todd had been up for hours, not being able to sleep probably as he had helped organize everything he was stressed out.
Neil knew it would've been the best for their relationship to just talk to Todd about his feelings but he sort of felt selfish and he didn't want to bother his boyfriend anyway.
He had turned around in bed for the last at least 20 minutes now, not at all motivated to get up. He could smell Todd's delicious pancakes but not even that tempted him. He had no appetite whatsoever. If it wasn't one of his best friends getting married he would've asked Todd to stay home, but he couldn't do that to Meeks.
A light knock came from the door frame and Todd came inside, already dressed up completely and a cup of hot coffee in his hand.

"Neil? Are you up?"

"Yeah." he didn't move. If Todd could tell something was wrong he didn't mention it.

"I made you coffee and there are pancakes in the kitchen. We need to leave in 20 minutes though. I still have to check on the photographer he said something yesterday about-" Neil had stopped listenting and just let Todd rant about whatever was up with the photographer. It wasn't like he cared anyway, but that didn't matter to him.
Todd had left the room, talking on the phone and Neil got dressed while he was gone. He took his coffee cup and emptied it in the sink, not feeling like drinking any of it. Todd didn't take long to finish his call but Neil managed to get ready in the meantime, so they got to leave immediately.
He kept quite the whole care ride, he knew Todd realized but he really hoped he wouldn't say anything, because if Neil let himself talk and think deeper about everything, he wouldn't be going to the wedding that was for sure.

Once at the location, Pitts seemed to be already waiting for them.

"Finally, Cameron, Charlie and Knox have been here for a whole while now. Come, I'll show you where you're sitting." The wedding would be outside next to a pretty lake that was glistenting in the autumn sun.

"Isn't it so pretty?" Todd whisperd with a small smile and Neil could only nodd, feeling a lumb in his throat. This could've been their wedding location.

Soon enough they were sitting in the front row on white wooden chairs, waiting for the bride. Neil felt wierdly empty and just kept his eyes on the lake, where a few leaves had just fallen down on the untouched water, sending waves through it. He couldn't help but feel content for when this was over, when he could get home and curl up in his bed again, have Todd hold him. Back in school, when they first got together he didn't even think he'd make it to this point in life. He never thought he would wish he could marry someone and spent forever with them but there he was, feeling totally bitter at the best day of his friend's life. And from there it just kept getting worse.
The after party was only a few meter away from where the vowls got spoken.
It was pretty, decorated in light blue and white tones and there was a big dance floor right next to the bar.
Before the first dance, they'd be having lunch though.
Neil didn't eat any of the food, worrying his boyfriend. He did drink though, ordering one drink after another. A lot on an empty stomach. Todd raised an eyebrow, once he finished his third glass of wine.

"Neil-"

"Don't." he just said, but Todd didn't let it go.

"Take a break. You didn't even eat yet."
"I'm good, I know what I'm doing."

Todd rolled his eyes and shook his head lightly.
"Sure. C'mon they'll dance now we don't wanna miss that." He stood up, walking over to the dance floor and leaving Neil alone at their table. He shouldn't have been so bitter to Todd, he didn't deserve that, having done nothing wrong.
God, he needed another drink. Maybe he could still make Todd have a nice night, be the happy boyfriend he deserved. He got himself a few shots at the bar while Meeks and his now wife were dancing and after basically inhaling three vodka shots he had a hard time walking back to Todd.
He put on his best smile and held out a hand.

"You wanna dance?"

Todd frowned. "Neil, your wasted."

"So? Makes dancing easier."

"What's wrong with you?"

"You're mad?"
He scoffed and crossed his arms, giving Neil a heated look.

"Yeah, I think I am. You've been acting wierd all day and now you're getting totally drunk. And you won't even talk to me either."

"God, you're the worst I'm just trying to make the best of today." Todd's eyes widend, now definitely furious.

"Wow."

"I'm sorry I didn't mean-"

"No. Let's not do this right now I don't wanna ruin the wedding." And he walked away once again. Neil's face grew hot and his hands were covered in cold sweat.
That was not a good sign. Almost running, he pushed threw the crowed getting to the bathroom.
The next at least half an hour, he was throwing up and sobbing all alone in the little bathroom stall. He felt terrible, for getting mad at Todd, for being jelous about Meeks and the wedding. He hadn't even talked to any of his friends all day, not even to congratulate. He was genuinely the worst friend ever.

"Neil? What's going on?" Todd. Neil couldn't help but let out another sob. No matter how fucking unfair and terrible he had treated Todd, he was still there, he still came to check up on him. He really didn't deserve him.

"Can you let me in, please?"

"I can't get up." he managed to croak out, barley above a whisper. "The door isn't locked though."

Todd carefully opened the door and sunk down next to Neil who had fallen down next to the toilet, sweaty and shaking. He had opened his tie and taken off his shoes, that were now laying on his side.

"God, Neil." Todd whispered, carefully wiping the sweat of his forehead. Neil leaned against his shoulder, just crying carelessly.

"I'm so sorry." he repeated, again and again as Todd held him and soflty kissed the top of his head.
"It's fine. You're fine. C'mon let's get you clean first hm?"
He stood up, helping Neil to his feet as well and guiding him to the sink, where Neil sat on the counter. He started cleaning his face with cold water.

"Do you want to talk about what's going on now?" He soaked a paper towel in water and whiped over Neil's forehead.

"It's stupid..."

"Well, you got drunk over it and I think the fact that you were crying and vomiting in here is enough proof that it's not." He paused and threw the towel away. Before taking a new one, he pressed a soft kiss on Neil's temple.

"I just- I just feel like it's so unfair. We can never have this Todd. We can never get married. And just because someone at somepoint decided our love is wrong."
Todd sighed.

"It is unfair. But we can't change it Neil. Trust me, I'd love to get married to you and I would anyday but there's nothing we can do about it."
He took Neil's hand, kissing his palm and then his knuckles before sliding his arms around Neil's waist.

"I love you so much Todd." Neil whispered leaning his forehead against Todd's.

"I love you too. I hope you know that, even if we can't get married right now."

"I do. I know."