dead poets society oneshots

with your hair falling into place like dominos

(come back with some trans todd content<33 tw: dysphoria and mentions of transphobia)

Todd's hair had never before worked in his favor.
It was long, it was so soft and too blond.
He had a tie in his hand and was trying to tie all of it up in a way that didn't make him look so— Girly

"Hey, Todd!" It knocked harshley a few times and he dropped his arm with a sigh, "You almost ready?"

"Yeah, yeah, comin'" He stared at his reflection for a moment more, trying his hardest not to shed a tear over it again.
He wanted to do something. What was the point in being out to everyone in his life if he couldn't actively change?
Jeffrey had once wanted to cut his hair, but he changed his mind before Todd had even lost a strand. Jeffrey had hugged him and explained how it'd be too dangerous that if their parents had caught them, he couldn't imagine the consequences. And Todd had cried, but he couldn't even argue with it.

He tied his hair in a quick bun and pulled another sweater over his t-shirt, a fruitless attempt to hide his bodyshapes, and rushed out for PE.

Neil was already waiting for him by the dressing rooms, leaned against the wall and smoking.
He put out the cigarette against the bricks and flicked it away when he saw Todd coming, a small smile on his lips.

"Hey, you okay? Charlie said you took a while."
He kissed Todd's cheek, a wave of that smell of lingering smoke coming with him.

"Yeah. Fine."

"Well, are we still on for tonight?"

Todd bit his cheek, "Yeah, obviously."
Although, he was obviously excited and happy about going out with Neil, there was a part of him, that felt horrible about it. He always got so awfully insecure whenever he was reminded of who he was dating. Neil was this perfect, more then good-looking guy and when he'd dress up for their dates, Todd's heart would always skip a beat without fail, and Todd— Todd was just Todd. With his long hair that he hated so much.

Neil pulled him closer by the hand with a soft smirk and layed his arms around Todd's neck, "Good. I'm really looking forward to it."

"C'mon, you sab," Todd forced a smile, "We gotta hurry, I definitely really want to run a few miles right now."

Todd was staring at the running water in front of him with horror. The steam was making his whole body disgustingly moist and his hair damp.
He couldn't do it. Not today.
He knew he for sure needed a shower after having to run about 5 miles, but the thought of having to stand there between all these guys, fully undressed and everything that terrified him, sent him into a spiral.
His eyes shifted over to Neil who was just taking off his shirt, carelessly chatting with Charlie.
Todd's chest felt tight. It was too warm. The light was too bright and he could feel his hair on his head, the clothes on his body. The room was spinning. He needed to get out.

His hands sweaty and head dizzy, he pressed through everyone out the door and rushed immediately to his room. 
He tried to breath. Gasping for air over and over, a hand on his chest.

Normally he was able to calm himself down from panic attacks. Normally he could take a few deep breaths, he could focus on something else, and sooth his nerves. But it wouldn't work.

He tried to gasp for air again and shut his eyes tight.
Nothing would come in. He dropped down on the floor by Neil's bed, suddenly he felt like sobbing.

He couldn't even pin point why everything was so much worse today, but he guessed that was just what it was like. Good and bad days.
Especially bad days. Recently.
His hair tie ripped with a soft plop and all his hair fell into his face.
He screamed into his hands.
He couldn't help it. There was just so much anger and pain bottleing up throughout this shitty day. He ripped at his hair like he could just pull it all out if he tried hard enough.
He just wanted it gone.
He wanted a nice hair cut like Neil's. He wanted a flat chest and a less defined waist.
But he couldn't have it.

The door got thrown shut loudly and Todd jumped.

Neil must've followed him from out the shower.
Stupid, perfect Neil. Todd wanted to scream again. Scream until his throat was sore. Maybe it'd even make his voice more raspy.

He dropped down in front of Todd and carefully reached for his hands.
Slowly, he pulled them down.

"Hey, hey, hey," He whispered softly, "I heard you scream in here. Take a breath. "

Todd tried to focus on Neil. The way his eyes were searching over Todd's features for some sign off what had gone wrong. The way his chest gently rose and fell and his hands were wrapped around Todd's palms.
He gasped another time, and finally he could breath again.
He breathed. In and out. In and out.

Neil stroked his cheek, "Alright, good. Are you okay if I take off your sweater? Just so you can breath better."

Todd drew his eyebrows together, "Please don't. "

"Okay, okay, we don't have to," Neil tenderly pushed Todd's hair behind his ears and he shed a few more tears, "Was it the shower again?"

Todd nodded. He was glad that Neil understood him like this. He never had to overly explain, or justify.

"Hey, look, how about we wait until everyone's done and then I get the coach to let you shower a little late?"

"That'd be fine."

"Okay, good." Neil smiled and leaned forward to kiss Todd's forehead. He started playing with his hair but Todd shook him off.

"I need it off." He mumbled.

"Your hair?"

"Yeah. I can't stand it. " He didn't want to go into detail, because he knew if Neil had to hear how deeply he sometimes despised himself, he'd feel horrible and Todd didn't want to put that weight on both of them.
Neil let out a quiet sigh. He looked painfully worn out like this, his brows knitted together so tightly Todd just wanted to run his fingers over his forhead to smooth out all those tiny wrinkles off worry.

"I'm sorry." He breathed but Neil just shook his head,

"Don't. Don't be." He scooted a little closer, his hands behind Todd's head. With his thumb he softly stroked his temple and slowly kissed a spot just behind Todd's ear, "How about we cut it ?" He whispered softly.

"Hm?"

"Yeah," He tucked a strand of Todd's hair away, "I'll cut it all off if you want me to. Right after your shower."

Todd leaned away just about an inch and his eyes quickly flickerd over Neil's face, searching for any sign that this was supposed to be some stupid joke. He didn't find it, "But what about our date? You said you called the place and everything—"

"Well, I'll call them again. We'll just make that our date instead. I've heard hair cutting's supposed to be quite intimate." Neil joked with a wink but Todd still didn't look quite convinced.

"You really don't have to do that. I was just—"

"But I want to," Neil's smile was whiped from his face and he just looked so deeply honest now, it made Todd's heart swell with love, "Trust me, Todd I know this has been bothering you for a long long time and I know it won't magically fix all of your dysphoria, but I just really want to help you make it at least somewhat better and if this is an option, I'd love to do it for you."

Todd felt new tears burning in his eyes that he didn't want to spill. He didn't know what he deserved this with.

"Thank you." He whispered and Neil finally smiled again.