STARRY NIGHT

14

Silence. None of us talked for a while.

I wasn't gonna start any sooner because I didn't know what to say next. I already said what I want to say. I was looking at her the whole time while her, she was just looking at our hands, mine on top of hers.

After another while, she carefully loosed herself from my hold so I took the chance to retrieve my hands.

"Jisun-ah...... I think you're just confused. You have to give yourself some more time. Your feelings, it'll go away," she said and glanced at me before looking down.

Of course. It stung for a bit. But I wasn't gonna let this pass through.

"I did give it more time. I've thought of it long enough and I know what I feel for you is sure."
I spoke with much determination and persuasion. I have to let her know that I'm not kidding around.

"Jisun-ah, please. You have to stop those feelings. I'm not who you think I am. In fact, if you learned about my true self, you'll eventually stop liking me. So please, while you still can, stop liking me."

Her words pierced through my heart. It pained me, not because she told me to stop my feelings for her, but because she looked.... broken and pained herself.

I swallowed the lump forming in my throat and took her hands. I forced her to look at me.

"Then let me, Gyuri. Let me know your true self. Let me understand you. Just, let me love you. If you could just give me a chance, I'll show you that I'm serious with my feelings for you."

There, at that moment, I saw her broke down. She cried and held my hands tight. I held it even tighter and brought her hands to my lips.

I teared up of course, but someone has to be strong at this moment.

"Gyuri, do you trust me? Because I trust you as much as I trust myself," I asked.

"Why would you trust me when I couldn't even do it to myself?" The pain in her voice is very clear to me. I dont know how and where to start but I'm willing to stay by her side for as long as I know.

"If that's the case, I trust you. If you can't do it for yourself, I'll do it for you. You have me, Gyuri. Whatever it is, I'm here. I can't believe I'm telling you this but I'll stick with you even if you push me away. I won't miss this chance to love you."

She didn't say a word. I was still holding her hand and gave it as queeze.

"You always complain about Jiwon being stubborn yet here you are," she chuckled and wiped her tears with her sleeves. I smiled and wiped the remaining tears myself. I took the chance to caress her face.

"Yeah? Only to you though," I said while chuckling.

"I knew about it," she said and had that small smile on her lips. I raised my brows.

"About what?"

"Your feelings for me. I already had a hunch." I was surprised. Was I really that obvious?! Yes, you were says my inner self.

"Do I need to murder Jiwon or Seoyeon for telling you?" I chuckled as my face heats up. She shook her head. Alright, those two are safe from my wrath.... for now.

"It was just pretty obvious. Though I didn't really put a thought into it because maybe you were just nice and sweet to me."

As I realized all my cheesy moves those times, it made me want to just vanish in thin air because of embarrassment. But what can I do? I like her a lot!

"Yah. Don't make me shy now. It was all because I really like you," I told her with much sincerity, although it came out aggressively.

She chuckled and nodded a little.

"Jisun-ah, since you are persistent, I should tell you why I don't want you to like me..... I'm suffering from anxiety. I get so emotional all the time. I tend to overthink about things. I'm very hard to deal with during panic attacks. In short, I'm a very complicated person. And I don't want to drag you into my misery. You are too precious to just love someone like me," she says with a hint of disappointment in her voice.

I was silent. All this time, she was battling all her demons while maintaining a friendly atmosphere outside.

My heart broke because of that. Slowly, my tears fell.

I didn't know. I didn't know she was suffering so much inside, battling the demons in her head.

I was so speechless and all I could do was to go to her side and hug her tight. She hugged me back as I rested my head on her shoulders. I didn't want to let her go any sooner.

That strong image she built was her coping mechanism to hide what she truly feels inside. But the truth is, she was just as broken and fragile anyone could never imagine she is.

I hugged her for a long time. She just lets me and didn't speak as well.

"Does Hayoung-unnie and Saerom-unnie know?" I asked softly, still sniffling in her embrace.

"Yeah, they knew. That's why they stayed by my side all the time. They didn't want me to be alone even for a second but I was stubborn. I always wanted to be alone to avoid disturbing them. I feel like I'm not doing them any good, like I'm just a burden if I act weak," she explained. I felt that she was loosening up herself. I caressed her back lightly and didn't let go.

"Gyuri, you are not a burden, never were. They care for you so much. Did you try to open up with them?"

"I tried. But, it was all worthless. I still felt heavy inside. It never subdued."

That time, I had only one thing in mind.

She needs me.

She needs to feel that she doesn't have to carry all her burdens by herself.
She needs someone who will stay by her side all the time.

And I am willing to be all that, for her.

"Then, let me stay by your side. Gyuri, we just knew each other not too long ago but I am more than sure that I want to be with you. You already took a huge piece of my heart in just a short period of time and I don't want you to take it back. Let me stay, Gyuri. I promise you, I'll always stick with you whatever happens."