Spy Out Of Water

Chapter 13

I felt numb as I washed the blood off and let the hot water relax my muscles. It was as if I had disassociated the part of myself that was human with the part of myself that was a spy on a mission. I quickly changed, heading back to my room to drop off my ripped clothes when I caught my eye in the mirror. 

It didn't look too bad. There was a small cut on my jaw and a few bruises on my arms and legs, the usual after a good fight. But what really caused me to stop was the handprint shaped bruise peeking out from my sports bra from where Alex groped me. 

I can't break. I wouldn't break. I tried to push down everything I was feeling, build that wall back up but it didn't work. 

Suddenly, it was like I could feel his hands on me again as he felt down my body. I felt nauseous that he had touched me that way, but more than that, I felt embarrassed and useless that I couldn't fight hard enough to stop him. 

At the academy, they taught us how to break even the most secret codes. They taught us how to go to our happy place so we would never give in when we were being tortured. They taught us how to cope after killing a man for the first time. 

But they never taught us how to deal with something like this. 

My knees buckled out from under me and I slumped to the ground, no longer able to hold it in as sobs racked through my body. 

"Finley? Are you-oh shit! Toby!" I heard a voice but my head was swimming and everything around me sounded like it was a million miles away. 

I heard loud thumping noises getting closer and closer before my door bust open with a loud bang. 

"Finley!" I heard a velvet voice near me. "What happened?" My mind was still floating but I was vaguely aware of being lifted and encased in a warm feeling, much different that when Alex touched me. This touch felt safe, protective, not at all repulsive. 

I felt myself being rocked as the velvet voice continued to whisper into my ear. I couldn't quite make out what was being said, but I slowly felt myself starting to calm down. 

I blinked a couple of times, trying to refocus my eyes. 

All I saw was blue. Toby's worried eyes looked back at me, a hint of relief when I seemed to acknowledge him. 

"There you are," he furrowed his brows. "Are you hurt?" He starts lifting my arms , checking for injuries, although I don't know what he expected to find, seeing as I was already covered in bruises. I was now fully aware that I was curled up in his lap on the floor.

"No," I look down, biting my lip. "Unless you count my dignity."

"What are you talking about? You kicked ass out there," Toby was trying to be encouraging. 

I shook my head. I pulled down the top part of my sports bra slightly, just enough so he could see the disgusting hand print. 

"Jesus Christ, Fin. I'm so sorry," Toby's voice was barely a whisper. 

I shrugged. "It wasn't your fault."

"I should have just tackled him. Fuck the gun, I..." Toby completely stiffened his hold on me. "I'll kill him," he growled. 

I couldn't stop the tears from starting again. "I know it's part of the mission but when he touched me like that, made those comments, I-"

"No, Finely!" Toby's voice was angry. "Protecting Wesley is our mission. Taking down whoever is behind this is our mission. Getting sexually assaulted by some low-life bastard is not part of the mission."

I kept quiet, not really knowing what to say to that. We had always been told to do whatever we needed to for the mission, didn't that include having to deal with this side of it?

"Finley, look at me," Toby placed his hand under my chin, turning me to look towards him. "I need you to look at me and believe me when I say this. I've seen you take down football players twice your size without even flinching. I've seen you tackle a guy who had a loaded gun with no hesitation. Don't let this be the thing that breaks you. You are the strongest person I know. Please Finley. He's in the wrong, not you. Never you," he tells me with so much confidence in his voice that I can't help but trust his words.

He leans down to press a soft kiss on my collarbone, right above the bruise. "Do you understand me? You don't deserve to be treated like that, ever," Toby looked over my face, as if looking for some kind of response to let him know I believe him. 

In that moment, seeing the expression behind his eyes, I knew he truly cared. I've never had that before. I mean sure, I had Uncle Gray but this was different. Uncle Gray would try to shield me, to keep me from hurting. 

But Toby lifted me up, gave me the strength to move past it so that I could come out stronger on the other side. And that's why I loved him. 

Wait, what? I froze at that epiphany. 

I loved Toby. I loved how he never shied away from my coldness, that he wouldn't let me push him away. I loved how he made me smile and helped me be better, more human. How he saw past the spy and saw just Finley. And accepted her. 

But I was filled with an overwhelming sadness as I knew I could never do anything about it. Not only did we go to different academies, but I was training to be a spy that would go on increasingly difficult missions. And so was he. 

I saw what it did to my parents. It killed them. They loved each other and it lead to their deaths. And I was not about to let Toby have the same fate. He deserved so much more than that. 

"Finley?" Toby asked. 

I guess my body hadn't caught up with my brain because before I could stop myself, I threw my arms around Toby pulling him close. 

"Thank you," I whispered. I wasn't exactly sure if I was thanking him for the speech, for caring, or just being there. Or maybe I was thanking him for showing me what it's like to love someone even if it was only for a short while. 

I knew this would hurt me in the end, because I would not let him face the same fate as my parents, even if it killed me.

Which is why I decided then that even if I did love him, he could never know. Because when the time came, I needed him to let me go. God I was a masochist. 

I felt Toby wrap his arms around my waist. His touch felt so different from Alex, and his warmth overshadowed any lingering disgust from earlier. 

"Anything for you," I heard him mumble into my hair. 

I was screwed.