The Price of Forgetting

Chapter 19

"What do you suppose the castle is like?" I asked Mama as we walked the grounds. I'd only seen the castle from a distance, but I could imagine that it was pretty incredible. Papa was there now. I knew that he occasionally had business to attend to in the kingdom - how else would Edward have known about him? - but I'd been surprised and proud to learn that the royal family requested him personally.

I'd been unable to keep the slight dreamy quality from my tone and Mama smiled. "Oh, it's what you'd expect - extravagant and beautiful, with many people coming and going all the time."

"You've been there?" I asked, surprised. I thought the kingdom was mostly unfamiliar to her. I was aware that she visited family from time to time, but their homes weren't that nearby.

She nodded. "Your father and I..." She stopped and smiled to herself. "Well, we didn't actually meet there, but that's where we first saw one another." She glanced back toward the Graham's home. "It's not all that different from this, actually. It's just larger and more...magnificent. But in a cold, sort of impersonal way. It can be pretty lonely."

"I thought you said there were a lot of people there?"

"There are. Sometimes hundreds, but for the most part, they aren't very friendly unless you can do something for them. I know you've gone to various events, so I'm sure you've gotten a taste of the way people behave here."

"I guess I have." The way I'd seen people act around Lily was probably nothing compared with how they behaved at the castle, around royalty and other people with real power. I wanted to ask Mama about her time at the castle, but hearing her say it was cold and lonely made me hesitate. Aside from first seeing Papa, it didn't seem to be a good experience.

We walked in silence and before long, we were approaching the pond and were unable to even see the house anymore.

"It's so nice out here," Mama said. "Almost like being home."

"That's how I feel. It's hard to forget exactly where I am and how different everything is, but when I come out here, it's a little easier. I've had so much fun with Matthew and Lily, and everything is so beautiful and interesting, but after a while, I just need to get away from it all. Like I can't truly relax until I spend some time alone with the trees and the sun."

I frowned, realizing that wasn't entirely true. I didn't have to be completely alone. I felt just as peaceful and renewed if Matthew was with me.

Catching the change in my demeanor, Mama stopped and turned to me. "How have you been feeling?"

"Fine." She seemed concerned so I smiled in reassurance. "There have been a few small set backs when I exerted myself too much, but Doctor Collins says I'm doing really well."

She nodded, seeming pleased, but also sad about something. "I know, and you look wonderful. As much as I hate to admit it, he was right about your being here. It's been very good for you."

"Do I look so different?" I didn't feel like I'd changed much, if at all.

"More relaxed. More like yourself. Which is why your father and I think it would be a good idea for you to continue here a while longer. If you'd like."

Like the last time, she wanted me to refuse, but knew I wouldn't. As much as I loved having my family here, I was already starting to feel that pressure to be the Ella they knew, and it had only been one day. But I wasn't sure how to answer. Even though everyone told me I should be honest and not to worry about their feelings, I couldn't help it. I couldn't tell my mother I felt better away from her.

Thankfully she didn't need to hear the words. She understood anyway. Seeming resigned, she touched my cheek for a moment before we started walking again.