The Price of Forgetting

Chapter 22

Unsurprisingly I didn't sleep so well that night. I basically didn't sleep at all. Which meant that I felt awful the next day. Which of course then prompted everyone's anxiety to soar.

They understood that I didn't feel well because I hadn't slept, but Dr. Collins and Matthew were troubled about me not sleeping. Even though Cecily supported me when I said I was fine, they wouldn't ease up.

Thankfully, I only had the one sleepless night, but I was different. More subdued. I knew I was acting less like myself and, by all appearances, taking a step backwards - and of course worrying everyone in the process - but I couldn't help it. I didn't necessarily want to just yet.

Cecily had been right. As much as I still wasn't thrilled to be the only one still ignorant about something that primarily concerned myself, I recognized her wisdom in not just laying it out there. I was struggling just knowing there was something to know. Having the details was going to be ten times harder. Like she told me, I needed to be prepared as much as I was able to be, and that would take some time.

So, for the first time, I started largely ignoring those worried looks and anxious comments. I stopped focusing on everyone else's feelings in favor of my own. I had to reconcile things in my mind to be able to move forward. So I didn't try to appear happy, or even fine, to make anyone else comfortable. I didn't intentionally ignore anyone, but I allowed myself to get lost in my thoughts quite a bit.

In response, Doctor Collins allowed Matthew to come around more often. We didn't go anywhere. Mostly we just sat quietly together outside. I enjoyed being with him like that - comfortable and not obligated to say or do much. I know he worried, and I felt sad about that. I told him repeatedly that I was fine, but of course, it made no difference.

So when the day arrived for my plans with Jonas, Matthew was not happy, to say the least.

"How about we take the boat out on the pond?" Matthew asked after lunch. "It's a beautiful day out."

I glanced out the window and smiled a little. It was a nice day - warm and sunny, but there were enough clouds so you wouldn't be blinded by the glare.

"I'd love to, but I'll be leaving soon."

Matthew frowned. "Leaving where?"

I raised an eyebrow at him. "You heard me make plans with Jonas."

"I thought you'd cancel."

"Why would I do that?"

He watched me flatly. "You know why. You're not...doing well."

"I'm doing fine. You just don't like Jonas."

"I don't like him," he admitted. "But this isn't about him. It's not about me or my feelings. It's about you."

"I told you, I'm fine."

"Ella-"

"Matthew, this isn't your decision. I said I was fine and you'll just have to trust me."

He huffed, obviously not convinced.

"I know I've seemed kind of different lately. And I know you're worried, but I have to work things out in my mind. I need to come to terms with things, and that takes time. But I'm not angry and I'm not depressed. I'm just thinking. A lot."

He was about to try to argue some more, but I didn't let him.

"You said you didn't want me to worry about your feelings, remember?" I waited for his grudging nod before I continued. "Well, this is what it looks like - me doing what I feel I need to do, without worrying about how you'll feel about it. And today, I've made plans with someone I have fun with. Someone who doesn't have any ideas about how I'm supposed to act or about what I should or shouldn't know about myself and when."