The Price of Forgetting

Chapter 25

Maybe it's not surprising that I started having nightmares after that. While most people might fixate on the violence, the focal point for my nightmares was the loss.

They were always the same. I'd be running from someone in the forest, with no idea where to go and terrified of losing more of my memories. I worried that if they caught me, more of my identity would disappear until my family was gone and Matthew was gone, and eventually any sense of myself. I could see who I was running from, but not clearly. The only thing that always seemed to stand out were a pair of eyes that were half blue and half brown. I'd usually wake up crying or screaming, and tangled in the bedding.

It was stressful and horrifying, and when I was awake, I felt exhausted and angry. But there was no one to blame and no one to take my anger out on. Everyone wanted so badly to help me, but they couldn't. They couldn't return what had been stolen from me.

I stopped leaving my room, if I even got out of bed. Cecily and Lily and Matthew and Doctor Collins would try to talk to me, but nothing they said could fix anything. After a while, they'd just sit with me, offering what comfort they could. It helped the most when Matthew would hold me. He was the only one that could sort of understand since a lot had been taken from him too.

He regretted giving in and telling me as much as he did, but I didn't know if I agreed. On the one hand, I was much happier before. On the other, I still preferred not being ignorant. Like I told him, it didn't help anything. At least now I understood why I felt some of the things that I did.

I lost track of time since that conversation. It felt like a while, but honestly, I had no idea. It could have been a few days or a few weeks. I kept waiting for the despair to pass, or even ease, but it didn't. I was just as angry and heartbroken as I'd been when I first learned how much had been stolen from me.

I lay on my side, staring at the pattern on the bedspread and trying not to think, when someone knocked on the door. As I didn't much care whether they opened it or not, I ignored it. A moment later, someone came into the room, but I didn't move. If it was a servant, they'd do whatever it was they were supposed to do. If it was anyone else, they'd make their presence known soon enough.

The bed moved a little as someone settled behind me and a hand soothingly smoothed my hair. Cecily then. As bad as I felt, I couldn't bring myself to ignore her. I turned my face to offer a pathetic smile, but I was surprised to see that it wasn't Cecily beside me.

"Mama?" I whimpered as my eyes filled with tears.

"Hi, Sweetie." She blinked back tears of her own.

"Oh, Mama!" I sat up so I could hug her. Broken sobs poured out of me as I sat with my face buried against her.

She didn't speak. She just held me tightly, alternately rubbing my back and playing with my hair.

"Everything's gone, Mama," I mumbled against her when I could speak. "It's all gone!"

"I know, Baby," she soothed. "I know it feels that way."

"I don't have any memories of you or Papa or Matthew. I don't even know what it was like to be a little girl. And I might never remember. There's just nothing. I have nothing! It's not fair!"

"I know. It breaks my heart that you can't remember, but Sweetie, you haven't lost everything. You have a lot that can never be taken away."

I sat up to look at her. I wanted to scream and say that wasn't true, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't yell at my mother, whose grief was as obvious as mine.

She knew I didn't believe her. Reaching over to the table beside the bed, she grabbed two handkerchiefs, handing one to me and using one herself.

"I know Cecily talked to you about me," she said with a sad smile as I dabbed at my face. "I never told you any of that because I didn't want to burden you, but it's good that you know. Unfortunately, pain is sometimes a part of life. It can be terrible and unfair, but we have to get through it. We have to go on living and if you let all those bad things take hold in your mind and control your future, you'll rob yourself of all the good things you could have."

I glanced away. That was true enough, but how was I supposed to just move on?

"I never knew my mother," she said, surprising me. "And my father resented me. I don't think I can even say he felt strongly enough about me to hate me. He did terrible things to me, and he was supposed to love me."

"Oh Mama," I said as fresh tears filled my eyes.

She shook her head. "I know what it's like to live without love, Ella. For a long time, no one cared about me, or even pretended to. It was unfair and lonely and I was angry and scared so much of the time." She sighed heavily. "And if I had allowed all of those bad things to take root and if I continued to dwell on how awful they were, I'd miss out on so many joys in my life now." She touched my face. "And I have some pretty incredible joys that I never want to take for granted."

I gave her a small smile before sobering. "But how can I just act like it doesn't matter?"

"You don't act like anything," she said. "You mourn what you lost. You allow yourself to feel that anger and sadness. You're certainly entitled to it. But you don't stop living because of it. You can't just lock yourself away because you feel like nothing else matters. That only allows whoever stole so much from you already, to continue to steal every good thing you could have now."

I chewed on my lip for a minute, thinking. She was right, I knew, but I didn't know how I'd be able to move on.

"He stole everything from me, Mama," I said. "My whole identity. My future."

She shook her head. "No, he didn't. You're still you, even if you're not quite sure who that is right now, and your future is what you make it."

"But the future I planned with Matthew... I don't remember falling in love. I don't know..."

"Do you love Matthew now?" she asked.

"Of course I do."

"Does he love you?"

I nodded.

"Then you didn't lose that. I know you can't remember the details, but the reason you feel so strongly about him now is because you did before."

At my confused look, she smiled. "Do you think you'd love him like you do if you only met him for the first time a few months ago?"

Surprised by that thought, I could only stare at her.

"You have a history together. Even though you can't remember it just now, that doesn't mean it was erased. Part of you still remembers. And his love for you didn't go anywhere."

I found myself smiling a little and had to keep wiping moisture from my eyes.

"I love you and your papa loves you and your whole family loves you," she said. "Sweetie, that's not nothing. In fact, through this, you've managed to make even more people love you. Richard and Cecily and Lily, and even Doctor Collins would do just about anything for you."

I began crying in earnest again, but this time, it was mostly due to relief. Mama was right. Even though my memories might be gone, I didn't lose everything. I was still me, even if it took while to figure out exactly what that meant. And I still had a future with Matthew because nothing could destroy our bond. Very early on, I'd felt connected to him in a way I hadn't with anything or anyone else.

Mama pulled me into her arms and we continued to cry together. I was so grateful she was here, and hearing her talk about her parents made me appreciate her and Papa even more. How could I have taken them for granted? Or any of my family - blood relation or not. I'd been overwhelmed initially with everyone constantly wanting to come see me to make sure I was alright. But it was because they loved me.

"It might take some time," Mama said. "But we'll get through this."

I nodded, feeling truly determined for the first time in my memory. Being here had helped, but I mostly felt stagnant. Once my physical healing was finished, I didn't expect to see anything change, so I'd focused on just having fun and trying not to worry over things too much. Now it felt like I could begin to move forward. As if coming to terms with everything I'd lost would be the first real step I could take to truly heal and begin creating a future.

I would, I silently vowed. I was not going to allow this to ruin any more of my life.