Hailee Steinfeld Imagines

⚠️Trying to eat⚠️

TW- ED/Anorexia

Y/N POV-

Once the soul is so thin the body follows, instead of a growing sense of self love and self worth, there isn't the strength to climb upwards to health. And so it is so very hard to eat more, even when it is a simple bite at a time, hard to listen to the part of the self that wants to stay alive and be loved.

You sat, tapping your foot on the floor anxiously, as you waited for Hailee to come back with dinner. The thought of food had made you feel guilty before even consuming it. Your thoughts had wondered to the deepest part of your mind.

Oh how you wanted to taste the flavors, the sugar and carbs... but the fear of gaining weight had prevented you from taking those bites.

"I'm back!" Hailee opened the door holding a white bag.

The smell of the freshly made food fills the room, making your stomach turn.

You helped her through the door, grabbing the bag and glanced down at dinner. She had bought noodles, and oh man it smelt good!

You felt your fake smile tug into a frown. How were you going to get away without eating this time?

"You okay? Do you not like noodles?" Hailee asked with a shaky voice.

"No, it's not that..." You considered telling her about your struggles but was pulled back by your inner self. You were surprised she didn't already know since you were so skinny. Maybe she did and she didn't want to ask about it.

"What is it then?" She opened up her noodles, moving towards the couch.

"Don't worry about it," you shook a hand, shooing her questions away.

Hailee's POV-

As you sat down next to Hailee with your noodles. She saw the discomfort as you stared at it. Hailee watched as you twirled the fork around in the bucket, not daring to pick up a strand. Your face only showing disgust.

She had noticed your weight loss, your constant excuses of why you couldn't eat, anyone could noticed it, yet Hailee never asked you about it. She was afraid for some odd reason.

You weren't just thin, you were scary thin. Your clothes were layered and loose to hide the bones that jutted out. But it was so clear just looking at your cheekbones and the skinniness of your hands, you were starving yourself. Hailee wondered how far you were from needing hospitalization and how far you were from organ failure. It wasn't hard to see that if you just gained just thirty pounds or so you would be beautiful, stunning even.

Hailee's heart ached at the thought of you not feeling enough.

Hailee looked at your face and it broke her to recall how it once was. Your eyes used to glow with '"your inner beauty, your soft personality that so easily brought you to laugh and show affection. Now your once soft skin was stretched over your skull, your hair so dull and thin. "Anorexic" hardly seemed a big enough word to describe what had become of Hailee's partner.

"Y/n? seriously, is there something wrong with the food?" Hailee grew concerned.

She knew you had to be stopped before you got too far.

"No, I just feel sick. I think if I eat anything, I may throw up," You laughed, playing off the question carefully. "I'm going to get some water," You stood up but a hand held you back.

"No. Sit please," Hailee pulled you back.

Your POV-

You had learned how to control panic at a young age. You took a deep breath, controlling your nerves. How are you supposed to lie your way out of this. You knew what she was about to ask. In a way, you wanted her to know, you wanted to seek help but that came with a cost... the cost of having to be the talk of peoples gossip.

"Look, I know you think I haven't noticed, but I have. I have to ask you a question Y/N..."

You closed your eyes, bracing your self for the horrid question.

"...When was the last time you ate something?"

Your heart had stopped for a moment as the words rung in the air.

"I-"

You felt sudden change in your emotions. You face softened and your eyes fell to the floor. You had a ever so familiar  feeling in your stomach. The feeling you get after taking that extra bite of food. Guilt.

Guilt is a matter of balance. When you need to feel guilty it will show you how to become a better person, less rotten, more healthy.

When you go too far with guilt it becomes as a heavy bag you were supposed to put down once you'd learned whatever it came to teach you. Forgiving yourself is necessary to enable further personal growth. This is being human. This is how we are wired.

You knew in order to feel better, you had to confess. Confess all the sick things you've been doing to yourself.

"-I don't know..." You felt shame rise in your chest. "It's been too long," You say pitifully.

You heard Hailee's sigh, causing your cheeks to burn a tinge of red.

"Oh baby," She huffed and shook her head.

you started chewing on your lower lip as your eyes welled up with tears. You looked away as your faced turn red. A great tremor overtook you. You couldn't hold the heartbreak any longer and you fell back on the couch in a disheveled heap as your grief poured out.

"Y/n, baby. come here, it's okay." Hailee took your shaking form in her arms.

"It's all going to be okay, just talk to me about it. Tell me," she rubbed your back.

After a moment, you sat up straight, rubbing away the recent tears.

"It wasn't an overnight thing," you started, your voice still shaking.

"It was built up self hate. Not being able to look in the mirror and see something good. My mother, my whole family, even my grandmother, used to say horrible things to me. Things like how I'm fat and how I need to eat less. They used to make jokes about it to get a laugh..." you paused for a moment before forcing yourself to continue.

"Eventually something in my brain switched and I only began to think about weight. I would feel fat in clothes and every time I saw a mirror I would steal a glance. I stopped eating. I stopped to look skinny. Now- now if I eat anything I feel fat. I can't stop." You looked down, avoiding eye contact, shamefully. "I should have told you earlier."

"Y/n," Hailee brushed a thumb over your cheek, wiping away a tear.

"You are the most beautiful human I know. I know that eating is hard but not doing anything about it, not seeking help will make it worse. I don't want you to kill yourself by doing this, Y/n, you're too important to me," Hailee confessed.

"Do- do you think you can take me to get help?" You asked through a sniff.

"Of course. It's a bit late tonight but that's the top of our list tomorrow. Tonight, do you think maybe you could eat some noodles?" Hailee gestured towards the uneaten box.

You shook your head, looking at it in disgust.

"That's okay. What's something you maybe could eat?" She asked.

"A banana?" You smiled through shame.

"A banana? Alright then, a banana it is. I don't think we have any so get your ass up, we're going to the shops to buy one banana," she stood up, extending her hand.

You giggled at her gesture.

"That's going to look weird putting through one banana when we get to the cash register," you suggested, shaking your head at the thought.

"Well, if it's for you, anything is worth being weird," Hailee pulled you up.

"God I love you so much," you looked up at her in awe.

You saw a small blush wash over her cheeks.

"I love you too. Now off to find the perfect banana!"

A/n~
Hey everyone, just wanted to let you all know you're loved! If your struggling with an ED please go seek help no matter how bad it is. I'm here if any of you need.
Love you all <3