Half a Heart

4. No Excuses Yet

That night I slept awful. The nightmares that Peter chased away, returned more vivid than ever. I didn't attempt to go back to sleep after the second one. I wondered when Isiah's death would stop haunting me. That night, it wasn't just Isaiah haunting me. My mind wouldn't shut up about the things I could've done to keep Peter. I should have just slept with him.

That was what I regretted most about losing Peter. I didn't just lose him to somebody who blames me for my brother's death, but that I lost him to sex. I thought I meant more to him than that. Silly me, I guess.

I had turned my phone off Friday night before the dance. I had not turned it back on because I did not need it. After putting it on the charger, I went to take a bath. It was 4 o'clock in the morning and I was thankful my dad's room was soundproof, and my brother slept like a log. I hated to wake them.

I soaked for probably an hour before I got out. I had used some lavender bath salts, and I was feeling quite relaxed. After getting dressed, I checked my phone. There were dozens of notifications. Several from my Instagram saying what a cute couple Peter and I are. Yeah, if only that were still true. Peter had called me several times, and I just ignored those notifications. I wasn't in the mindset to deal with him yet. I just don't understand how I am supposed to get over this. He really lost his virginity (if he wasn't lying to me, to begin with) to a girl who blames me for my brother committing suicide. How am I ever supposed to be ok with that??

The simple answer is I shouldn't have to. There is no reason why I should take Peter back. He cheated on me and that hurts my heart. He knew when he was doing it that I would not approve and his little mistake had the potential to break us up. He knew and he did it anyway. That's on him.

I got back into my bed and read a book for 3 hours. I wasn't feeling up to going to church, but I was going to anyways. Just because I don't feel like I need to go for myself, maybe somebody else needs me there. Now is the time I should be leaning the most on God. I got myself ready and went downstairs to make breakfast for Carter and Dad. I decided that pancakes and sausage would be the way to go this morning as I was tired. They came into the kitchen around the same time. I had already drunk two cups of coffee and had a much more positive outlook on the world again. I chose not to eat. Usually, I would eat a bite of the meat as I am not much of a breakfast eater.

"Sleep well?" Dad asked as he hugged me good morning.

"Yep," I replied with a bright smile.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Carter roll his eyes.

They made themselves plates and I went outside to sit on the porch. For a February morning, it was quite nice outside. My flowers were dead and that was a little sad. I wasn't a huge fan of winter since I don't like cold and everything is dead. Where I am from, we get snow, but then it melts in 24 hours, and it's a big slosh puddle. We have gotten a few days where there were a few inches, but it melted very quickly. I sat outside until 5 minutes until time to go. I ran upstairs to grab my phone, bible, and coffee cup. I hopped in my truck, then Dad and Carter joined me a few minutes later. I drove us the two minutes there. Dylan and his family were walking in at the same as we were. Dylan and I made eye contact, and he turned bright red. I hid a smirk. That kid is hilarious.

During Sunday school, I saw Dylan sit down and wince. I was happy to help. We have been studying Joseph and how faithful he was. I find it interesting how Potiphar and Pharaoh knew that the Lord was with Joseph. Both of these Egyptian men who did not worship my God knew that He was with Joseph. I don't know about y'all, but I want everyone to know I've got the Lord in me. I want it to be obvious through my actions and words. I could just talk the talk, but I am willing to walk the walk.

After Sunday school, we got back into the sanctuary and do a few more hymns. After that, we take up praises and prayer names. I don't usually say anything out loud, but I always do one unspoken. After that, Shelby and I do a praise song. This month we decided to do "Graves into Gardens" by Elevation Worship. After singing, the little kids are dismissed for nursery, and the sermon begins.

God decided that this week Pastor James needed to preach on Fire Walkers. The ruler guy threw three people into a fiery pit that he had the servants made seven times hotter. When he looked in, he saw four people. When they were released from the fire, not a hair had been scorched, and their clothes didn't even smell like smoke. Y'all can't tell me God wasn't with them. I know that God is with me always. Even if sometimes I do get burnt, it's all part of God's will.

After church, Dad treated us to Subway. Even though I had it yesterday, I ate the same thing. I stick with what I like and rarely ever waver. After eating, we went to Harps. I hadn't been to get groceries in a while. Dad and Carter followed me around the whole store. Carter started whining by the time we got to the spice aisle, and I was ready to slap him before we even made it to the freezers.

"Carter, that is enough," my dad said sternly.

Carter stayed silent but rolled his eyes when he thought Dad wasn't looking. Dad simply grabbed his arm and swatted his butt once, "Do it again and we make a trip to the bathroom."

Carter looked around and gulped, "Yes sir."

Thankfully, nobody was around. That would've embarrassed me as well as Carter. Carter did not act up the rest of the time we were in the store and I was grateful. The cashier was the same one that always hits on me when I'm in there. I have never shown any interest in him. He was attractive in a basic kind of way. He wasn't a very exciting person, and he always posted "DTF?" on his story. Like, sorry sweetie, it's a no from me.

"Hey beautiful," he said as I pushed the cart up to the counter.

I supposed he was brave in saying that in front of my dad and brother. I didn't realize they had fallen back and were not with me. They had walked up as he said it, and he paled slightly. I gave him a polite smile and continued stacking things onto the conveyor belt with similar items together to lessen the work for later.

One of the many reasons my dad hates grocery shopping is the number of times you have to handle your stuff. Putting it in the cart, putting it on the counter, putting it back into the cart, putting it in the truck, taking it inside, and finally, putting it away. That's a lot of work. You still gotta use it later. He got to help with all the details today, and he was already grouchy.

When we got home, Peter's truck was in my driveway. I forgot to bite back my groan, and Dad gave me a weird look.

"Hey Pete," Dad called to him excitedly.

I hadn't planned to Dad that he cheated on me because I didn't want to ruin a friendship. I can be mad at somebody without making everybody else mad at them. Peter gave me a hopeful look, but with a quick shake of my head, his face fell. He helped carry in groceries while I put them away. When I finished putting them away, he lingered.

"Can we talk now, please?" he asked.

He sounded defeated and sad. I nodded my head, and we went onto the porch.

"Tay, I don't even know where to start. I know I messed up, big time. More than messed up. And I probably ruined my chances of being together with you, but I love you. I am so sorry. I'll do whatever it takes," he pleaded.

I crossed my arms and waited on him to be done. At least, he didn't try the excuses yet. 

Guys, guess what!! I have a boyfriend now after almost two years. It's Patrick, real surprise there. But seriously, what business do I have had a boyfriend?!?!?!?