Disarray [H.S.]

Chapter One

I'm sorry, but this is my fate
Everything is worthless, no one who wants me to stay
And I'm sorry, but I've waited too long
So here's my goodbye, no one will cry over me.
I'm not worth any tears.

———

The wind whistled harshly today, leaving my light brown hair a tangled mess, not that it would matter much longer anyways. I gazed out to the forestry green scenery beneath me, taking in the view one last time before I never had to see it again.

I couldn't wait until I never had to see it again.

I paced back and forth across this old bridge at least three times, giving myself a lot of time to think before finally deciding to come to a halt towards the left end of it. I dropped myself to a sitting position, hidden from the road behind some steel beams. I sat up tall with my legs dangling over the edge, alternating kicking my feet so the heels of my shoes lightly tapped the rusted steel below me.

Letting out a silent breath, I began to reminisce about my life, trying my absolute hardest to uncover a reason to stay. A 'Why I shouldn't'. As usual, nothing came to mind. My brain was a blank sheet of paper. Nothing was there. It was so hard to form a single thought nowadays, forcing myself to exert so much energy and effort on something that should be as simple as thinking, but for me it felt trying to accomplish the impossible.

What most people consider simple tasks, like doing laundry, or showering or eating, feels like the hardest thing in the world.

Getting out of bed in the morning felt like trying to sit up with two thousand bricks laying on my chest, prohibiting me from moving, but still being expected to get up anyway. And it's something I'm supposed to do every day. However, there are some days I just stay in bed because the pressure is too much, and I physically cannot force myself to move.

One last time, I work my brain, trying to find absolutely any reason at all to stay. Did I have a friend who needed me? No, I've lost them all. They've all abandoned me. Did I have a family member who would miss me? No, my family is dead. May as well join them. Maybe I'd be happier when we reunite. Did I have a partner who'd lose their other half if anything were to happen to me? No, because he left me too. No one gave me the time of day anymore.

I wasn't worth their time, not that I blame them. I'm not worth anyone's time.

I made this decision a long time ago. This was not a hasty reaction to an inconvenience that happened to have occurred in my life. This was an arrangement I had plotted for months on end. When I would, where I would, how I would. I gave a lot of thought to this, and I was confident and comfortable in my decision. I was finally ready.

I was ready to let go and say goodbye.

I was ready to be free.

I was so tired of the constant push and pull life had put me through. Life, for me, feels like pushing a rectangular boulder up an incredibly steep hill, only to get less than halfway up before losing my grip and the boulder is knocking me down and bulldozing over me. Meanwhile there's people walking up the hill, a staircase carved into their path, carrying a small stone in the palm of their hand and wondering why I'm having such a hard time making it up the hill since it's so easy for them.

Some of those people are even criticizing me as well for not trying as hard as I can to make it up the hill, even though I've pushed that boulder up as high as I can go more times than I can count. But they don't know that. They don't see that. They just assume that since it's easy for them, it's easy for everyone.

Who wants to live a life constantly feeling like that? Not me, not anymore.

I knew this bridge very well. I knew how far a drop it was, just over 200 feet. I knew what time it would have the most traffic and when it would have the least since I did have to drive across it on the bus each day to get to and from where I've been living and my high school. And every day I crossed it I was thinking about if that was the day I would finally let go. If that was the day I would finally put action behind my thoughts.