Disarray [H.S.]

Chapter Sixteen

Dear paranoia
No, I didn't wanna get to know ya that bad.
Kinda thought I could ignore ya,
But now you're standing everywhere that I'm at.

————

These past two weeks have felt like they have dragged on for years, and also like they went by in the blink of an eye at the very same time.

Most of these two weeks have been spent by myself, coddled up in the warmth of my lilac bed sheets, trying my best not to stain my white pillowcase with the tears that silently fell. I've been struggling a lot these past few weeks, conflicted about everything I've been feeling, about Harry, but particularly about myself.

I've felt guilty being around Harry. Like I wasn't good enough for him, like I was pulling him down the rabbit hole with me, hand in hand as I fall, fall, fall, and keep on falling. Waiting until I hit the bottom and it's all finally over, but the bottom never comes, and I feel lost, stuck in a void that I can't escape. Harry's stopped me from hitting the bottom before, but I don't know if he could do it again.

I've seen Harry a few times since he and I were at his house. Each time we were together, I had to strain the muscles in my face to force a smile. I wonder if he could tell? Harry's smile was automatic. He never once looked as if he was unhappy, or forcing himself to be out and about. He was always so genuine, and it made me question myself.

Why can't I be that happy all of the time? What have I done to deserve this never ending pit of emptiness I feel? Like there's just something missing? I always feel like something is missing.

I wonder if it's possible to be truly missing a part of yourself. I really feel like I am. There's just something missing, and I long for it. I dream of it when I sleep, of being happy and complete, of having friends, and people who like me and want to keep me around. Like there's nothing wrong with me. Like I don't have a missing piece.

But, then the alarm sounds, or Dani's pillow is smashed to my face, and I'm brought back to reality. The reality that feels like I've been living the same days over and over again. Thinking the same thoughts over and over again. Forever living in a loop of misery and lonesomeness.

Until I met Harry.

Harry so easily snapped me out of the zombie-like daze I was living in. He's somehow convinced himself that I'm worth spending time with. That I'm a person who deserves his time and his energy and his friendship. He's convinced himself that I deserve someone who cares. I'm not sure how he's done it, but somehow he has.

So that leaves me with one of the most heart pumping questions I've asked myself...

If Harry sees me this way, why can't I?

He obviously sees something in me that he considers good, otherwise he wouldn't keep showing up for me, right? There has to be something that's drawing him in, but I truly don't understand what it could be.

I'm a pessimist. I'm not hopeful. I live life like there's no tomorrow, but not in the way that makes me fun and exciting. In the way that I'm waiting for there to actually be no tomorrow, waiting for life to just be over because I'm so tired of living it. I'm no fun to be around, so why the hell does he try so hard to be around me?

I don't think I'll ever view myself, or even life, the way Harry does. He's an optimist. He's hopeful. He lives his life with a smile on his face and love in his heart. He does his best to make everyone around him as happy as they can be. His friends, Finn, his parents, me. He goes out of his way to show everyone in his life that the world is good, even if you've had a rough go about. I sure as hell have. And so has Harry.