Disarray [H.S.]

Chapter Three

Lyin' awake in my bed
Turnin' around in my head
I wanna dream instead

———

The side of my head indents the pillow I lay on as my eyes burn from having kept them awake almost all night long. I barely slept, which isn't unusual, but my lack of sleep is typically from my brain being so tired and overworked from making through another day that I go into a dissociative state, and I'm awake all night, just staring at the walls or ceiling.

I wish I was able to sleep. I wish I was able to escape my own head for a little while and sleep. Not have to think about how my life has gone to shit, not have to think about all the things I hate about myself, how I wish I wasn't here anymore. I wish I could sleep and not have to think about these things.

I wish I had dreams. Sweet dreams, happy dreams. Dreams that made me feel something other than pain and misery. I don't dream anymore. I know that it'd be all an illusion, the dreams, but at least it'd be something. It'd give me something to look forward to every day. Getting to climb into this bed and the end of each exhausting day, fall asleep, and have sweet dreams that make up for my bitter reality.

Tonight, however, I had so many thoughts running circles around my head that it was even more impossible for me to be able to stay asleep. I was tired when I came back to this home last night. And when I laid my head on the pillow, I fell asleep relatively quickly. However that didn't last very long. The wheels in my head just would not stop turning. My brain refused to fully shut down. There were just so many questions I couldn't find answers to.

What compelled me to go with Harry? To talk to him? To tell him things about my childhood? Why would I do that? Why did I ever walk away from that bridge instead of jumping off? I had been waiting for the Eleventh for months. Why did I disregard that opportunity when he held out his hand?

Before he approached me, I was ready. There was nothing stopping me. So how did a perfect stranger manage to walk me off that bridge? Why did he say he wanted to see me again? Was he even real? Or did my mind make him up as a last minute defense? Was he-

"Wake your ass up!"

My thoughts were interrupted quite abruptly when a pillow collided with my head and I heard Dani yelling at me. I picked the pillow up from where it landed next to me and threw it back to Dani's bed. I hadn't even realized the alarm clock went off and it was already time to get up for school. I hadn't even realized that hours had passed since I got into bed, and that the sun was coming up. To me it seemed like I had only crawled into bed moments ago.

Dani was standing facing her dresser and pulling a maroon sweatshirt over her head, already wearing a pair of light blue ripped skinny jeans.

"Geez okay, how late am I?" I asked and I sat up in my bed rubbing my eyes. She told me I was only about ten minutes late, so that was my cue to get up and start getting ready.

I quickly made my bed before pacing over to the bathroom so I could brush my teeth and wash my face. I could hear Dani trying to speak to me through the door, but with the water running it was a bit muffled. But, Dani being Dani, she just busted through the door anyways to get to me.

"Did you hear me?" She asked, jumping through the door trying to put one of her shoes on.

I spit my toothpaste into the sink before looking at her and saying, "No, that's why I didn't answer you." I looked back in the mirror, my stomach clenching when I looked too long at what I saw staring back at me, and continued to brush my teeth.

"I asked you how strict Valenti is with how he grades the research paper presentations because I have mine tomorrow and I'm pretty nervous about it. Well, not about actually presenting it, but about how he's gonna grade it."