Disarray [H.S.]

Chapter Twenty Two

These are the days
I cherish every moment
I won't take my life for granted
Please don't ever change
Won't stop until we own it
The light is shining bright as our moment

_______

In two weeks is graduation.

Two more weeks of trudging through these red and white hallways, forcing a smile onto my lips and pretending everything is okay. Two more weeks of sitting in those god awful chairs that numb your ass when you sit for more than 30 minutes and trying to pay attention to the lesson, but most of the time failing to do so. Two more weeks of sitting in the ever loud and busy cafeteria and pushing around my food with a fork until the bell rings and I can throw it all out. Two more weeks until I'm out of this place for good.

Two more weeks until I have to figure out what I'm going to do for the rest of my life now that I know I'm going to be living it.

Life was easier when you knew you were going to be dead soon and didn't have to worry about the future.

I have no honest idea of what the fuck I'm going to be doing for the rest of my life and it scares the shit out of me. There's absolutely no way I can afford any type of college education, so that's out of the question. But, I have to figure out something. I can't stay in that home for the rest of my life.

I'll be 18 in two months. An adult. With responsibilities. I can live on my own if I want to. But with what money? I know I'll need to get a job. But where? And what job around here is going to pay enough for an 18 year old to be able to support herself and live alone? And it's not like I have any friends who I'd be able to split rent with. The few friends I do have are more so Harry's friends than mine, we're not close enough to live together in my opinion.

And even if we were, they're all leaving for college in a few months anyways. So, I desperately need to figure something out because my time in this home is limited, and I'm getting closer and closer to the day I need to leave it.

Technically speaking, I can stay there until I'm 21, but I don't really want to. Worse comes to worse, and obviously I will. I'll stay there until I'm financially stable enough to get a place of my own. Although I've got people like Dani and Louis there, and even Julie, I still want to leave. That place had never felt like home to me.

I've felt like there's been something missing ever since dad died. He was home, my sanctuary, my safety. He was my security, my stability and everything in between. Losing him was probably the worst thing to ever happen to me. Because in losing him, I lost myself. And since he died, I haven't felt any of that. I miss that feeling. Like I was home.

I know that I'll find home eventually, but until then, I'm lost. Stuck.

The thought of me living alone in the near future doesn't seem realistic. It doesn't seem possible. I never pictured myself living long enough that I even could live by myself. I don't know anything about living on my own.

I don't know how to pay bills, I don't even know what bills are. Who do I pay them to? Does it depend on where I live? I know that living in an apartment I'd pay rent, I think. Who do I pay rent to? And taxes, too. What the fuck are taxes? None of it makes any sense to me. What I should be doing is starting to look for small cheap apartments now. I should be looking for places that are hiring teens. I should be figuring out all of the bills and rent and taxes things sooner than later so I'm prepared. The last thing I should be doing is pushing it all to the back of my head and ignoring it.

But, in typical Macey fashion, that's exactly what I'm doing.

Not even thinking about it until it's absolutely necessary. And in my head, that won't be until after graduation.