Disarray [H.S.]

Chapter Seventeen

I haven't felt a thing this year
And I'm only tryna be sincere
Yeah, I've never seen
Something quite like you

________

It was now Saturday, and we were back in that same field Harry had brought me to where we looked at the stars and he read me part of his journal for the first time. One of the first times he was vulnerable with me. He had always seemed very open, but being open and being vulnerable are two very different things in my opinion.

I like to think I've been getting better at being open. I'm more open to letting him get to know me, though I'm still hiding my vulnerability. I'm open to him, but I still haven't fully let him in.

Baby steps, right?

Harry had asked me earlier this week in school as we were walking from physics to our next class if I wanted to go out with him after school that day. And of course I said yes. I've noticed that I've stopped being so hesitant when it comes to Harry.

Yes, I still have my moments, but I don't feel like I need to keep my walls guarded when I'm with him anymore. I feel content, safe. It's as if the dark clouds that lived above my head were finally starting to fade. Like I was finally starting to see the light, see the purpose, the reason. My reason. It's becoming more clear.

We got to the field after stopping at Ellie's for what's become our regular smoothies, and at this point, I'm sure Ellie knows who we are. We walked into the shop and immediately a smile grew on her face and she started tapping away at the register, like she knew what we were going to order already. And as we were leaving, I caught her smiling at us when Harry wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pushed open the door with his foot so he could keep his arm on me.

We drove the short way from Ellie's to the field, and Harry was teasing me the whole time for not being able to drive.

The first time I got in the car with Harry, I was praying to gods I don't believe in that he wouldn't ask me about my ability, or lack thereof, to drive. I was terrified that he'd make fun of me, shame me, for not knowing how. It's not my fault I've never been taught, I was just embarrassed for him to know that. But now, I'm just shaking my head and laughing with him as he nudges my shoulder and smiles at me.

"C'mon, you could practice in my car, just drive around the parking lot until you wanna try doing some backroads. I'll be your teacher, it'll be fun," Harry pleads, all while still keeping his hand off of the wheel to keep poking at my shoulder.

"Harry, I will literally crash your car. I know nothing about driving. It's not a good idea." I'm trying to be serious, because I truly do think I'll end up crashing his car, but I don't think he's taking me very seriously considering I can't seem to wipe the grin off my face, or contain my giggles as I try to speak.

"No you won't! It'll be fine, promise."

I just look back out the windshield, and cross my arms across my chest, knowing I'm not going to actually drive his car. I don't want to be the person responsible for potentially damaging his car. I'd never forgive myself, and I don't know if Harry, or his parents, would forgive me either.

"Eyes on the road, Harry," I say when I can still feel him burning holes into the side of my head.

"Alright, alright." He lifts his hands of the wheel in a defensive gesture before bringing his attention back to the road, but not before stealing one last glance at me.

Arriving at the field, Harry set up the blanket again, making sure it was perfectly flat, and laid himself down. He also had a second blanket this time for us to wrap ourselves in, but the night air was so perfect tonight that we didn't bother using it.