Disarray [H.S.]

Chapter Twenty Five

You feel like summertime
You took this heart of mine
You be my valentine in the summer
You are my only one
Just dancing having fun
Outshining the sun of the summer

_______

After Harry dropped me off the night of graduation, I immediately started packing for the week. I had grabbed the biggest bag I could find and hoped that it would be big enough to hold all of my things for a full week's vacation.

Dani helped me pack, making sure I wasn't forgetting anything. I felt a lot of anxiety while packing.

Why is packing so stressful? It's literally just putting clothes and things in a bag. But anyways, as soon as the process was over I felt better.

Dani helped me make a checklist to make sure I wouldn't be forgetting anything, especially since I had to leave my toiletries like my toothbrush and deodorant out until the morning we were leaving.

I was pretty sure I had everything I needed for a week's vacation at the beach, but with me I never know. There's probably something I'm forgetting about but oh well. I'll figure that out when I get there and go to get it and I can't find it.

But for the most part, I've got everything from t-shirts to sweatshirts, shorts and bathing suits. It's been a long time since I've worn a bathing suit and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't anxious about it.

The thought of having my body on display for so many people to see makes me feel sick. No one should be subjected to seeing me so bare like that, not even Harry. Harry's never even seen me like that before and I was scared about it.

What if he saw my bare body and thought I was repulsive? What if he didn't want to be with me anymore? What if he was embarrassed to be seen standing next to me?

What will he think of my scars?

I know I shouldn't think like this, because I know Harry would never speak poorly about me or my body, but just because he's not saying it doesn't mean he's not thinking it.

How can I expect him to admire my body when I can't even do it myself. If I don't see beauty, how can he?

But I don't want to think about that anymore. I don't want to ruin my day with negative thoughts before it even really begins.

I didn't see Harry over the two days between graduation and when we left for senior week, but that was my choice. I wanted to spend some time with Louis considering soon enough I wouldn't be seeing him every day anymore.

Harry whined about it, of course, but I knew he was only trying to get a reaction from me. He made it clear that he understood my wanting to spend time with Lou, and even encouraged me to do so. But that didn't stop him from being a baby about it.

"But I'll miss you, what am I supposed to do for two whole days without seeing you. I'm gonna be bored out of my mind," he said to me with an exaggerated groan over facetime as I was brushing my teeth Wednesday morning.

"Oh, I think you'll somehow manage," I tell him.

"No I won't," he's quick to say.

I laugh at his behavior, blushing at how even though I know he's just messing with me, there's still a part of him that I know is being serious, and it makes me feel appreciated. Makes me feel cared for. It's really refreshing.

"Can you at least tell me what you're doing so I can pretend like I'm there too?"

"Sure, if you really need me too." I finish brushing my teeth and walk back out to my room, collapsing on my bed. I already know how he's gonna respond before I even finish my sentence.