Disarray [H.S.]

Chapter Nine

You're making me forget my past
Never thought I'd feel like that again
I came to peace with my path
Now you got me off track

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TW: mention of self harm

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The rest of the day dragged on and I thought it was never going to be over. After I left the nurses office, it was my lunch period. But, I had no appetite. I usually don't, but especially not after what just happened.

I don't have the same lunch period as Dani or Louis, which really sucks. So instead of spending another day sitting alone and getting stared at, I just walked around the hallways to kill time. I stopped outside of the cafeteria, peering in at everything that was going on in there. I didn't want to be surrounded by all of those people. I knew I would just get overwhelmed, probably over stimulated too, and maybe have another breakdown. I couldn't handle having another one here, especially if it were in the cafeteria where a hundred more people would witness it.

I was already riddled with embarrassment. The people in my English class probably thought I was crazy. They're probably all talking already about how that freak Macey had a psychotic break in class and by this point the whole school probably knows and is talking about me.

Everyone always talks about me.

Never good things. Not after sophomore year.

I used to wish people would talk to me instead of about me, but now I don't think I'd even know what to do if someone talked to me. It's clear that I ruin every relationship I take part in, so I guess it's in everyones best interest to steer clear.

It's probably better for me to just avoid the cafeteria for the rest of the year. There's only about two more months left anyways.

In class, I always sit in the back, so I know that no one is staring at me But in there, anyone can be staring at me. Anyone could see me sitting there by myself, thinking about what a freak I am.

Anyone could be talking about how they see me sitting alone, still, and think I deserve to be sitting alone after what I supposedly did.

That's the thing about rumors. They spread like wildfire in a thousand different directions, changing as they go. And then when the whole forest is on fire, everyone's got their own version of how it started burning in the first place. No one cares to know the truth of how it happened because quite frankly, the truth is much more boring than what they've constructed in their heads. And once it's been constructed, the truth may as well be thrown into the fire to burn along with the rest of the persons life who the rumor was about. The truth becomes unsalvageable, but it's not like anyone thought the truth was worth saving anyways.

The cafeteria brings nothing but uneasiness and I feel my feet start to carry me away from it before I start to spiral again. I just need to avoid it, and never go back.

After wandering around for a solid ten minutes, I found myself in the D wing. Otherwise known as the basement. It's not really a basement, but it's the floor below the main floor, so everyone calls it the basement. There's nothing down here besides three health classrooms, the gym teachers offices, and a bathroom. It's the best place to hide out since rarely anyone is ever down here unless they have a class. Which to my luck, there are no classes right now.

I head into the bathroom and lean against the wall, closing my eyes and just counting the timing of my breathing.

If the rumor mill is spinning the way I think it is, then I'm sure Harry has heard about what happened already.