Disarray [H.S.]

Chapter Twenty Four

Maybe there's not a brightness in this dark
Other than what is burning in this heart.
But what if we fight to keep this thing alive?
Pretty sure there's no end to us in sight.

_______

If I had to guess what being euphorically high feels like, my guess would be that it feels something similar to what I'm feeling right now.

My whole body is warm, electric, and I feel like I'm on top of the world, like nothing can drag me down, nothing can ruin my mood.

I didn't think graduating high school would ever feel this good. I knew I'd be happy to be free of this scholastic prison, but I never thought it'd make me feel this way.

Maybe it has everything to do with the contagious energy radiating off of everyone else here who are more than excited to graduate, more than excited for their futures. It probably does, who knows. I don't care.

All I know is that I'm buzzing with energy and joy, and Harry is too.

After saying goodbye to our friends, we walked together hand in hand from the field to his car, climbing in but not driving anywhere yet. He and I were both just taking in the moment, basking in the adrenaline while it was still lasting.

Harry and I sat in his car in the parking lot, just watching as all of our classmates cleared from the field. We were quiet, but the voice of Matty Healy singing quietly through the speakers kept us company enough that we could sit in a comfortable silence, just enjoying each others presence.

And if I'm being honest, sometimes the silence seemed to connect us more than words ever could.

I could feel myself starting to come down from the euphoric high, but the pride and joy was still fully there. I was just much more calm now.

Harry's fingers intertwined with my own, rubbing circles with his thumb on the back of my hand. Looking out at this field and at these people, he was most likely reminiscing on the last four years of his life. The time he's spent here, the memories and friends he's made, and he's probably thinking about how much he's gonna miss everything about it. And he's probably also thinking about his near future at Princeton, making all new friends and memories there for the next four years of his life.

Me on the other hand, I'm thinking about that night on the bridge. How I never would have been here to graduate if he wasn't walking across the bridge that night. If he never came over to me and convinced me to go walking with him. I'm thinking about how grateful I am that he approached me in school the next day, and how he made the last two and a half months of my life not only bearable, but something I looked forward to.

That night I told myself I'd stick around a little while longer, see if he could lead me to my reason why, or even be my reason himself. And he became that and so much more.

He's the only reason I'm even sitting in the car right now, the only reason I've got a diploma sitting in my lap. The only reason why I'm still breathing. The reason I didn't make what would have been the biggest mistake of my life.

The light of my life, angel on earth. My eternal sunshine, my answer to everything, my reason why. My harry.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to thank him for what he's done for me. I don't know if I'll ever be ready to talk about that night. I'm not that stupid, I know he's aware of what was going to happen had he not shown up, I just don't think I ever want to talk about it. I want to forget it ever happened and just focus on being happy with him because right now, I'm the happiest I've ever been.

Maybe one day I'll tell him, but until then, I hope he can feel it. I hope he can feel my gratitude through every conversation we have, each time I open up to him, in every hug he gives me, and every kiss we share.