Disarray [H.S.]

Chapter Five

Oh I feel my body shaking
No hope is being kept alive
The fear of losin' more than just my mind

———

Wednesday was such a good day. It was one of the first good days I had had in a very long time. And I made sure to tell Harry that when he drove me home from Peninsula Park that evening.

It was a weird feeling. Not a bad weird just...different. I wasn't used to having good days.

I walked into the home after Harry dropped me off and I was in such a good mood. Actually, I was in such a good mood that I willingly ate my dinner, and I didn't feel sick or guilty after realizing I had eaten the entire plate of chicken and rice.

I can't remember the last time I felt like that. It was a damn good feeling.

Even Dani could tell my mood had drastically changed since I saw her that morning. She didn't question it, but I could see her looking at me with an appreciative smile and I just knew she could tell.

However, I should have known it wouldn't last. What 'they' say is true, because yes, all good things do come to an end.

I woke up on Thursday morning at the sound of my alarm. I knew it was time to get ready for school, but I was having a particularly bad day. And I hadn't even gotten out of bed yet.

It was just one of my bad days, where I felt like I was being physically restrained to my bed with chains and I just could not lift my head off of the pillow. Genuinely like I was strapped down.

I also felt sick to my stomach, absolutely riddled with anxiety. My skin felt hot to the touch, and I just knew that my face was flushed red. But when I would move the blanket off of my body, I started shivering.

When my anxiety starts affecting me physically, I know there's no making it through the day unharmed, so it'd be best to just stay in bed all day and not move an inch.

Dani followed through with her usual ritual of getting me out of bed when I'm running late; throwing her pillow at me. But when she saw that I made no effort to pick it up and toss it back to her bed like I usually did, she walked over and sat next to me.

"Hey, are you having a bad day?" She asked me, her voice was laced with concern.

Well, for me, all days I considered to be bad days. Some days were just...less bad. But I didn't answer with that. Instead, I just said, "Yeah, I'm not going to school today."

Dani knew I didn't really like being touched, so she just placed her hand on the pillow right next to my head in a gesture to let me know that she understood, but didn't want to invade or push me too much.

Thank you, Dani.

"Okay, I'll make sure Julie calls you out then. Is there anything I can do for you?."

I couldn't get myself to verbally respond, I was too tired from making myself talk just a minute ago. So I just shake my head in acknowledgment.

Dani waited another moment, staring down at me before she eventually stood up from my bed and continued getting ready for the day.

"Text me if you change your mind," she says before shutting the bedroom door behind her when she leaves.

I rolled onto my back to stare up at the ceiling, not a single thought in my brain.

Dani came walking back through our door before I knew it. The entire day had escaped me, and I realized I hadn't moved a muscle since she left that morning. I knew it was unhealthy, and Dani did too, so she asked me to help braid her hair just to get me to get up. So I did, I put two french braids in her beautifully thick and curly red hair, and then I crawled right back into bed.