Disarray [H.S.]

Chapter Eleven

Either I've seen the light
Or I'm losing my mind
There's something 'bout you
That's got me dazed and confused

_______

Today was Friday, and the week went by unexpectedly quickly. We left the smoothie shop shortly after Harry had wrapped his arm around my shoulder and spoke all kinds of reassuring words.

After a short while of comfort and affirmation, he stood up with me and began walking through the store, parking lot and to the car carrying both of our drinks in his large hands. We got in the car and began driving around, no particular destination, with the windows rolled down, wind messing up our hair. He of course had music playing, and his playlist bounced from genre to genre.

We talked a lot of nonsense for the two short hours we drove for, and then I had asked him to take me home. I was getting too stuck in my head that Dani might text me soon asking where I was. And although she does know that I've been out with Harry before, I don't really have the energy to get into any more details about it tonight, so I figured I'd just avoid the situation completely. And once I get too in my head about something, it's way too hard for me to focus on what I'm supposed to be focused on. It's all I'm able to think about, so going home at that point was my best option.

I felt guilty for not giving my full attention to Harry when he was giving me his. He deserves more than that.

But I'd rather go home and just spend time alone than have to pretend like my mind isn't elsewhere.

I can only handle so much social time.

He dropped me off and we said our goodbyes and just as I had hoped, Dani didn't question me. I just got ready for bed and even though it wasn't too late, I still tried my hardest to just fall asleep.

I could use the rest, but as per usual, I didn't get it.

Tossing and turning each night was the cause of my utter exhaustion this week, as it usually is. I was awake all night almost every night this week.

On Thursday though, I was overwhelmed and nearing a breakdown. I was trying so hard to suppress my emotions, just wishing I could choose how I felt. If I were able to choose my emotions and when I felt them, life would be so much easier. Why can't life be easier?

Time went by. How much time exactly I wasn't sure. All I know is that enough time had passed that my tears had dried and my breathing had returned to normal.

I knew there was no point in trying to sleep tonight. I was never able to sleep well after crying. It's like my brain shuts down but my body doesn't.

So instead, I reached for my phone sitting on the nightstand.

Right away I opened the notes app and created a new note with a lock on it and typed out the words that had suddenly haunted my mind.

I don't choose to be anxious, I don't choose to be depressed. I don't choose to be worried, I don't choose to be stressed. I don't choose to be sad, I don't choose to be in a disarray. I don't choose to be nervous, I don't choose to be this way.

For some reason, writing that down made me feel slightly better, like someone had chipped a piece of the thousand pound boulder off of my chest. Just barely lightening the load, but lightening it still.

Harry was right, it is a good way to express yourself, if you know how to express yourself. I obviously don't, but like Harry said, it could turn into something good. So why the hell not?

I wasn't going to tell Harry just yet that I was writing stuff. Firstly, because what I just wrote was shit compared to what he writes. It was just random words that barely even made any sense. In all honestly, he'd probably think I was stupid for not being able to write as well as he can.