Disarray [H.S.]

Chapter Six

I get a little bit nervous around you
Get a little bit stressed out when I think about you
Get a little excited
Baby, when I think about you

———

I was nervous.

Harry was picking me up in about fifteen minutes, and I was very fucking nervous. It was frustrating me because I wasn't this nervous going to the coffee shop or Peninsula Park with him. I guess I can blame that on the heat of the moment. The coffee shop I agreed to because I was in such a haze from nearly jumping off that bridge. And the park, I guess I was just still shocked from the night before, and just that fact that he remembered about it and kept his promise to see me that day. I don't know.

But this was premeditated. I've had a few days to soak it all in and I just don't understand why he still wants to see me, or why I keep agreeing to see him. Yeah, Thursday at the park was nice, but what if that was just a one time thing? What if this time when I see him it's horrible?

But what if it wasn't? What if I enjoyed myself with him again? What if he kept showing me the good days?

It was hard to explain exactly what was going on inside my head, all I knew was that I was nervous and was borderline regretting texting him.

I sat on my bed wishing I never hit send on that message. It was probably an hour of me just white knuckling my comforter, staring out my window and regretting my life, once I ended the phone call with Harry. I just couldn't force myself to move.

I think I was in shock. And I think it was because the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I actually kind of wanted to see him. I don't think I could ever say that out loud, but after spending that hour stuck inside my head, I think I was forced to realize that a lot of my nerves stemmed from the fact that I wanted to see Harry, and that scared the shit out of me.

I guess I wanted to allow myself the opportunity to get to know him. I even told myself the night we met to stay a little longer, to see if he might just be my reason to stay. I knew this already. But, now that it was very slowly starting to become a possible reality, I was very scared and hesitant.

Yes, I knew that he for sure was not a big enough reason to stay as of now. I barely know the guy but, with the direction this is heading, how he seems to be genuinely interested in seeing me and being my friend, he very well could end up being my reason. The reality of the situation was haunting. It was freaking me the fuck out, and I couldn't help it if I tried.

The idea of staying alive, having someone or even something to live for, and putting effort into having a future is too much for me. It's overwhelming, and I feel sick thinking about it.

But, could I want this? Could this random guy really change my life trajectory like that? Can I really allow myself to be vulnerable enough, present enough, with him to even give him the chance to prove he can be my reason to stay?

It was very hard for me to let people into my life. To allow people to get to know me seemed impossible.

Especially after with what happened two years ago. I refused to put myself in that position again. That was when I began to stop hanging out with people. That was when I stopped considering Dani and Louis my friends.

It wasn't because of anything they did. It was simply because I didn't want friends anymore after what happened. Being friends with me meant having to deal with the baggage I came with, and I didn't want to be a burden on anyone anymore. I also just didn't want to depend on people anymore.

I wasn't stupid, though. I knew that simply removing the 'friend' label didn't really change anything. I knew Louis and Dani still cared for me, as much as I wish they didn't. But they did. So telling myself that we weren't friends made me feel better. Because if I told myself we weren't friends, it meant that I wasn't a burden on them. If we weren't friends, I wasn't their problem to deal with, they didn't owe me anything.